A joke for Saturday morning: Scott Ott writes humorously at Scrappleface, "Baghdad Mosque Closings Spark Weapons Shortage"
Since Friday's announcement by a Sunni Muslim cleric that Baghdad's Sunni Mosques would close for three days to protest killings blamed on Iraqi security forces, consumers said they're struggling to find alternate sources for weaponry."My children and I stood on line at a back-alley dealer for seven hours just to buy mortar rounds," said one unnamed local resident. "My uncle just called and he's got one rocket-propelled grenade left, and has completely exhausted his family's supply of roadside bombs."
Indeed, industry sources report that the price of all kinds of small armaments jumped 73 percent within minutes of the announcement that the mosques would close.
"When you get an improvised explosive device at the mosque, you can rely on the quality," said one unnamed regular customer. "But a lot of the stuff you buy on the street is shoddy work that might send you to Allah before you get to the crowd of infidels. I think we're going to see a lot of second-rate martyrdom work until the mosques re-open."
PLEASE NOTE: This is a parody, folks. It is not a real news story.
"Second rate martyrdom work". Didn't know there was such a thing as first rate martydom work. Why I thought martyrdom was a priviledge, granted by Allah as a path to heaven. Now I find out that it's "work". Not only that, but the tools of the trade can be obtained by any worker at the local mosque. Think I'll go to our local Luthran Church and pick up a few car bombs. The Baptist Church nearby has a good selection of RPG's. I heard the Catholic Church has some missile launchers and one tank that can be checked out. When it's time to go to work, I know where the tools are....
This posting is just a joke. Not meant to be taken seriously.
Just wanted to post something to lighten up the discussion.
Rebecca
Points can be made by using satire. Though not as pointed, Scott Ott's "article" on the mis-spelling of the Koran/Qura/Qu'ran riots is much funnier.
I'm waiting for Al-Jazeera to pick up this story and run it as fact.
And then the 'clerics' in Afghanistan and Pakistan will misunderstand it even further, and riots will spread to insist that the mosques reopen so the poor jihadis do not have to wait to properly fight the unclean infidels in Iraq.
Then Condi Rice will convene an emergency press conference to state something like:
"I want all of Muslim brothers and sisters to know that the United States is doing everything we can to convince the imams in Iraq to immediately re-open their Holy mosques for whatever purposes they please. We understand the inconvenience that a closed Holy mosque will cause to the poor Holy Muslims in Holy Iraq. The kafir U.S. president is practically on his knees in obeisance and supplication to the Holy leadership of that great and ancient land of the True Caliphate, and I will personally be flying to the Holy City of Baghdad today to implore the imams at the Holy mosques to make sure that the worshippers of the one God Allah, and his greatest prophet Mohammed (peace and blessings be upon Him) are allowed to fulfill the Five Pillars of divine Islam in their their sacred entirety. I beg you, do not keep Allah's houses shut! It is haram! Thank you from the bottom of my unworthy infidel heart."
Wait and see.
How do you know it's not true? Your joke may not be a joke at all...
Rebecca...I was joking. When I went to the Luthran Church to pick up a car bomb, they called the police. The cops were in a bad mood. I tried to cheer them up by tickling them, but that just made things worse. Never try tickling a police officer, especially when he has a can of mace in his hand. So I was maced, handcuffed and jailed, simply because I wanted a spare car bomb, just in case I needed it...next time I will try a mosque...those clerics dont want to talk to the police anymore than I do, besides I heard their RPG's were cheaper...especially if you bulk buy....
That’s a good one;
Could be all the Mosques are multi-purpose:
In the front of the building - Registering recruiting
In the center - Training on hating and getting hyped up on Allah - many refresher courses
In the back and basements is rooms for the “equipment” - gathered and distributed. Rooms for donations. Rooms for planning etc. The main feature of the Mosques is for the recruits access to the center of the building which is open at any time when they need more training or refresher courses.
The article is really very funny, but ...
swami - I guess your sense of humor is even drier than mine. I agree the Koran spelling one was funny too. Here it is:
Muslims Riot Over Spelling of 'Koran' in U.S. Media
by Scott Ott
(2005-05-17) -- As many as 25 people died and dozens more were injured during riots in Afghanistan today which erupted over what one Muslim cleric called "the U.S. media's desecration-by-mispelling" of the name of Islam's most holy book.
Indeed, American editors have failed to reach consensus on how to render the holy book's name. Some spell it with a 'K' others with a 'Q' and -- perhaps most offensive to Muslim sensibilities -- some insert a meaningless apostrophe in the middle of the word.
"They're mocking our religion and our God by using a wide variety of spellings for the holy book," said the unnamed imam. "Journalists and editors are the stormtroopers of America's war on Islam. They're trying to humiliate and intimidate us with alternate and phonetic spellings, sowing seeds of doubt about the book Allah gave to the Prophet. We will fill the streets with the blood of the infidels and anyone else who gets in the way."
The latest casualities followed the deaths of 17 people in weekend riots over an inaccurate story in Newsweek magazine about a report that U.S. military guards had flushed a Koran down a toilet at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility.
The cleric, who requested anonymity due to the sensitivity of the issue, denied that the latest uprising on the Arab street was simply part of the 'regularly-scheduled annual riot season'.
"Our previously-scheduled generic riots have been preempted by these special, issue-oriented violent mobs," he said. "Americans have nobody to blame but themselves for inflaming the passions of these peaceful religious people."
Here is confession of an Eygptian Islamist on strategies Muslims take to convert Non-Muslim women...
http://www.faithfreedom.org/Testimonials/AhmedShalakamy50521.htm
"Iran to the outlet but was to late to buy an explosive device!"
Cheers Angus the Scot ;)
rb...what do you mean "dry" sense of humor??? Usually people tell me I'm all wet...
How very pleasing to see some good anti-jihadic humor. Humor is the least utilized tool in our anti-jihad arsenal. Some who post to JW have a marvelous sense of humor about jihadism and Islamism, and it would be so good to see more of it. Some of us just are not so gifted, but we can greatly appreciate it.
Laughter is a powerful weapon against this enemy. We can still take them seriously while we laugh at them, their "beliefs," and their behaviors. They are so completely obsessed with being "respected" and are so devoid of any sense of humor that they make excellent subjects as well as targets. Anyone so full of themselves as they are are like overfilled balloons, just "begging" for a pin.
"Laughing with" might be a sign of respect, but "laughing at" is never one. Perhaps too many of us have not been dealing with Islam and its lunatics long enough to be able to laugh routinely. Perhaps that is coming. The sooner, the better.
It's my turn to help with refreshments at my church tomorrow morning. I get a lot of complaints about my coffee. Does anybody have a better recipe for nitroglycerin than the one currently in the Flower arrangers handbook?
In support for cathrerine
I salute U
IF U GIVE ME A SAcK oF GOLD STARS
Mohammed was an evil bastard right to the core
He was as evil as the Islamic “god” is.
Muhammad was hardly a model citizen his resume reads:
demon possession,
suicidal,
bearing false witness,
hate speech,
taking and offering bribes,
pedophilia,
terrorism,
piracy,
slave trading,
incest,
rape,
torture,
genocide,
warmongering,
plagiarism,
womanizing,
sexism—well, shall we dig any deeper
But worst of all, Allah and Muhammad prohibit choice. They not only named their doctrine submission, they chose it for mankind, not the other way around. Allah determined who would burn in lust or roast in hell based upon a backrub, predestining all men and women to their fate. The theme of the Qur’an’s last score of surahs is simply: submit and obey, perform and pay, fight and slay. It’s no wonder Islam has bred hell on earth. Muslims are unable to rise above the depraved character of their prophet and god. And those who do are killed.
AKBAR SLOBAN
Now lets take a closer look at Mohammads resume
° Fighting
Bukhari:V4B52N50 “The Prophet said, ‘A single endeavor of fighting in Allah’s Cause is better than the world and whatever is in it.’”
Qur’an 9:88 “The Messenger and those who believe with him, strive hard and fight with their wealth and lives in Allah’s Cause.”
Qur’an 9:5 “Fight and kill the disbelievers wherever you find them, take them captive, harass them, lie in wait and ambush them using every stratagem of war.”
° Terrorism
Qur’an 8:12 “I shall terrorize the infidels. So wound their bodies and incapacitate them because they oppose Allah and His Apostle.”
Qur’an 8:57 “If you gain mastery over them in battle, inflict such a defeat as would terrorize them, so that they would learn a lesson and be warned.”
Ishaq:326 “If you come upon them, deal so forcibly as to terrify those who would follow, that they may be warned. Make a severe example of them by terrorizing Allah’s enemies.”
° War
Ishaq:208 “When Allah gave permission to his Apostle to fight, the second Aqaba contained conditions involving war which were not in the first act of submission. Now we bound themselves to war against all mankind for Allah and His Apostle. He promised us a reward in Paradise for faithful service. We pledged ourselves to war in complete obedience to Muhammad no matter how evil the circumstances.”
Ishaq:472 “Muhammad’s Companions are the best in war.”
° Jihad
Bukhari:V4B52N44 “A man came to Allah’s Apostle and said, ‘Instruct me as to such a deed as equals Jihad in reward.’ He replied, ‘I do not find such a deed.’”
Bukhari:V1B2N25 “Allah’s Apostle was asked, ‘What is the best deed?’ He replied, ‘To believe in Allah and His Apostle Muhammad.’ The questioner then asked, ‘What is the next best in goodness?’ He replied, ‘To participate in Jihad, religious fighting in Allah's Cause.’”
° Murder
Tabari IX:69 “Killing disbelievers is a small matter to us.”
Tabari VIII:141 “The battle cry of the Companions of the Messenger of Allah that night was: ‘Kill! Kill! Kill!’”
Bukhari:V5B59N512 “The Prophet had their men killed, their woman and children taken captive.”
Ishaq:489 “Do the bastards think that we are not their equal in fighting? We are men who think that there is no shame in killing.”
° Torture
Qur’an 5:33 “The punishment for those who wage war against Allah and His Prophet and make mischief in the land, is to murder them, crucify them, or cut off a hand and foot on opposite sides...their doom is dreadful. They will not escape the fire, suffering constantly.”
Tabari VIII:122/Ishaq:515 “The Prophet gave orders concerning Kinanah to Zubayr, saying, ‘Torture him until you root out and extract what he has. So Zubayr kindled a fire on Kinanah’s chest, twirling it with his firestick until Kinanah was near death. Then the Messenger gave him to Maslamah, who beheaded him.”
° Thievery & Slavery
Tabari VIII:116/Ishaq:511 “So Muhammad began seizing their herds and their property bit by bit. He conquered home by home. The Messenger took some of its people captive, including Safiyah and her two cousins. The Prophet chose Safiyah for himself.”
Ishaq:511 “When Dihyah protested, wanting to keep Safiyah for himself, the Apostle traded for Safiyah by giving Dihyah her two cousins. The women of Khaybar were distributed among the Muslims.”
° Deception
Bukhari:V7B67N427 “The Prophet said, ‘If I take an oath and later find something else better than that, then I do what is better and expiate my oath.’”
° Intolerance
Qur’an 9:71 “O Prophet, strive hard [fighting] against the unbelievers and the Hypocrites, and be harsh with them. Their abode is Hell, an evil refuge indeed.”
Qur’an 8:59 “The infidels should not think that they can get away from us. Prepare against them whatever arms and weaponry you can muster so that you may terrorize them.”
° Muhammad's Morality
Qur’an 8:29 “O you who believe! If you obey and fear Allah, He will grant you a criterion to judge between right and wrong, or a way to overlook your evil thoughts and deeds.”
Ishaq:288 “The Quraysh said, ‘Muhammad and his Companions have violated the sacred month, shed blood, seized property, and taken men captive. Muhammad claims that he is following obedience to Allah, yet he is the first to violate the holy month and to kill.’”
° Love of Money
Bukhari:V4B56N793 “The Prophet said, ‘If you live long enough the treasures of Khosrau will be opened and taken as spoils. You will carry out handfuls of gold and silver.’”
Bukhari:V4B56N795 “I have been given the keys of the treasures of the world by Allah.”
° Lust
Tabari VIII:110 “When Abu Sufyan learned that the Prophet had taken her, he said, ‘That stallion’s nose is not to be restrained!’”
Ishaq:311 “The Apostle saw Ummu’l when she was a baby crawling before his feet and said, ‘If she grows up, I will marry her.’ But he died before he was able to do so.”
Tabari VII:7 “The Prophet married Aisha in Mecca three years before the Hijrah, after the death of Khadija. At the time she was six.” Ishaq:281 “When the Apostle came to Medina he was fifty-three.”
Tabari IX:128 “When the Prophet married Aisha she very young and not yet ready for consummation.”
° Racism
Bukhari:V4B52N137 “The Prophet said, ‘Let the negro slave of Dinar perish. And if he is pierced with a thorn, let him not find anyone to take it out for him.... If he [the black slave] asks for anything it shall not be granted, and if he needs intercession [to get into paradise], his intercession will be denied.’”
° Stupidity
Bukhari:V6B61N550 “The Prophet said, ‘It is a bad thing some of you say, “I have forgotten such-and-such verse of the Qur’an.” For truly, I have been caused by Allah to forget it. So you must keep on reciting the Qur’an because it escapes faster than a runaway camel.’”
_________________
Be kind. Be compassionate. Be honest. Be sincere. Be truthful. Be bold. Be pure. Be wise. Be virtuous. Enquire: 'who am I'? Know thy-Self and be free.
PPPs this is classicTabari VIII:110 “When Abu Sufyan learned that the Prophet had taken her, he said, ‘That stallion’s nose is not to be restrained!’”
Tabari VIII:110 “When Abu Sufyan learned that the Prophet had taken her, he said, ‘That stallion’s nose is not to be restrained!’”
Saddam in panties
LOL
CHURCHES IN INDONESIA WAR HQ/WAR ROOMS
SAVE tha SpyderS
LOL, shiva!
The truth in advertizing,
http://www.sacredcowburgers.com/fresh/showpics.cgi?islamic_truth
advertising, duh! ^
It's the Eurovision Song contest tonight.
Shiva:- 12 points, douze poin.
shiva-
I am trying to write your entire post on my WWMD bracelet and it does not fit. Can you tighten it up a bit, summarize?
I enjoyed the little parody but I'm sure it would be considered high blasphemy by our friendly muslim readers. I wonder if there are various degrees of blasphemy in Islam, like 1st Degree Blasphemy, 2nd Degree, etc. etc.?
I think I'll ask the Imam. It's always a hoot to visit Ask the Imam and since I'm already laughing, I'll go right now so I can laugh some more.
Don't know how many saw this little gem, so I thought I'd pass it on.
Toilet Manufacturer To Introduce Koran-Accommodating Islamoflusher
http://www.brokennewz.com/displaystory.asp_Q_storyid_E_1250islmaflush
When it comes to humor, islam is the "No Fun" religion, run by hard men with dead eyes.
Susanp,
Hope you don't mind. I'm going to plagerize you 'Conyersblog' post in an email to one of my elected officials.
I just can't write with as much gusto as you do.
P.S. I went to the co-jet site and downloaded some of their flyers. I also ordered 1000 business cards, per your suggestion, and should be picking them up Monday.
"IRAN-MART"...Your Jihad-Superstore.....
This is all funny stuff to us, but I wonder just how many Muslims read that and went running to the mosk to see if it was open?
What isn't funny, is that joke is all we can do because our government just refuses to correct the media, and inform the population.
Millions are going to die before they wake up.
Just enough humor to show the irony of visualizing putting a house of worship in the same category as a weapon's cache and mart: the concept should not compute.
Christian: After the service, meet for fellowship for a potluck supper. All are welcome to share in God's love.
Muslim: After prayer, meet for fellowship to buy weapons and get instructions on how to destroy the enemies of Islam, apostates and non-Muslims. Warning: only the ritually pure may attend.
PCRS, you're welcome to plagarize me but that was hardly my finest harangue! I was angry and I ranted and raved, which is never good. I can just see the little lefties gasping and choking in horror at my blatant BIGOTRY.
The flyers, leaflets, bumper stickers, etc. really do get lots of attention. Sonofwalker at Co-jet designed some great flyers and I used them for my church project, which is about finished and was a smashing success. I'm about to run out of energy and money; I should own a stake in Kinkos considering that I have practically lived there for the last six months.
I'm going to get some anti-jihad magnets so I can slap them on gas pumps, grocery store shelves, coke machines, etc.
They are not cheap and I just paid over $500.00 for the bumper stickers, so I can't do it right now, but maybe soon.