This email just came in from a UK email address:
salamun alaikum brothers,,, my name is rashid and i will get married soon and i want to know in islam which sex intercourse is haram and which sex intercourse is halal and which practical sex is haram between wife&husband please could you explain clearly to me because i dont want to be guilty in front of allah ..thank you very much allah bless you and ( jazakumu allah)
Hmmm. Interesting question, but I'm not quite sure how to answer. What constitutes "practical sex," and how would it be distinct from...impractical sex? And mabruk!
Why don't you start by advising him that Allah doesn't exist?
Well, if I grew up thinking that touching a woman was a sin against god, I would nervously seek out guidance on what to do on my honeymoon, too.
Well, in light of the fact that he has submitted to mental slavery, knows little about his own self-inflicted malaise, and is ripe for indoctrinization, why not recommend he abstain altogether?
The UK will surely be a better place if they are coerced not to procreate.
I have to add, he clearly wants to sodomize her, since that's what Muslim men happily do to each other before the necessity of marriage arises. The poor guy!
Missionary Position.
Look at this e-mail in a positive light, not as a misunderstanding. He knew enough about you, Robert, to ask you this question. He asked you, not CAIR and not al qaeda and not his local imam.
(Sounds like a good talking point if ever you are in a debate with someone from CAIR.)
It's only a little while before he starts asking which form of jihad is right. Assuming his practical sex produces a child, tell him not to teach his child the ways of jihad and to set an example of love. Children are a gift to be treasured and loved, not a tool of war.
Mary five fingers. No children that way.
Robert:
The fellow must have read two or three words on the website header and thougth it was an Islamic sight run by an Iman.
Here is your opportunity to Spencertyze to him.
Wow. The liberals balk at criticizing Islam's suppression of women and execution of gays. But I think the whole edifice would collapse if we could just emphasize one message about life according to Islam:
No oral.
Dear Rashid,
You have come to the right place.
2:223 ‘Your wives are a tilth for you; so approach your tilth when and as you like and send ahead some good for yourselves; and fear Allah and know that you shall meet Him; and bear good tidings to those who believe.’
I suspect from your use of the English language that you've seen a plow before, but probably disdained from using it yourself. The plow works best straight up, going forward, but can be used on its side, pulled backwards, or even dragged upside down.
Hope this helps. Here is some additional information:
http://www.answering-ansar.org/answers/private_lives/en/chap2.php
ROFL!
Come on Robert, this I gotta hear! What, in your esteemed opinion, qualifies as 'impractical' sex?
Wow. The liberals balk at criticizing Islam's suppression of women and execution of gays. But I think the whole edifice would collapse if we could just emphasize one message about life according to Islam:
No oral.
Always, always, always use a condom. Never allow a woman's flesh, not even her hands, to touch your most prized possession.
No sex what so ever. No children. You two crazy kids are supposed to love Allah (and his perfect prophet) sooo much that sex is meaningless.
There are enough Radical Jihadi Extremo Islamofacists as it is. No need to add more.
Very similar to the Victorian mindset regarding sex. Sexual pleasure is a sin. So I guess what he means by practical sex is pleasureless functional procreation. I would recommend immediate suicide or apostasy.
OT, but there are strange things going on in the UK.
http://worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=64923
A man asked for a female driving instructor to teach his wife how to drive and got something he didn't expect, and now he wants to sue.
Does Islam allow lawsuits?
Another victim who will now be enslaved by Islam.
Does Islam allow lawsuits?
Posted by: PMK at May 22, 2008 10:59 AM
As we all know, islam loves lawsuits! Duplicitous muslims love so many things that are entirely Western in nature and origin, and lawsuits allow them to compensate for islam's archaic usury rules. They are all inveterate hypocrites.
Just look at the windfall profits they reap from frivilous lawsuits against hardworking Americans every day, not to mention the millions it costs American taxpayers in court costs for their manipulative exploitations. It makes my blood boil.
I forgot to ask: what in the world does jihad have to do with marital sexual relations?
Must be a spiritual struggle to emulate the pervert muhammad's debased sexual exploits, which give husbands unlimited freedom to brutalize and abuse their wives, including the right to rape them. Seems like he would have learned this long ago in the mosque. The more a woman is defiled and despised, the happier allah will be.
On Surah 2.223, my commentary on the Qur'an says this:
"Sex is not a thing to be ashamed of,
or to be treated lightly,
or to be indulged to excess.
It is as solemn a fact as any in life.
It is compared to a husbandman's tilth;
it is a serious affair to him;
he sows the seed in order to reap the harvest.
But he chooses his own time and mode of cultivation.
He does not sow out of season, nor cultivate in a manner which will injure or exhaust the soil.
He is wise and considerate and does not run riot.
.......
We must never forget our souls, and that we are responsible to Allah."
Posted by: DhimmiNot at May 22, 2008 11:43 AM
That was special. It showed a mutual understanding and respect for the wife,...err wives.
Even when glossing it over, the patriarchal domination of Islam must be expressed.
"But he chooses his own time and mode of cultivation."
Special.
"... the back seat of a Volkswagen?" - Mallrats
It's easy to answer: No cloven hoofs.
Rashid Mian
Halal: Your front side to her backside, or her frontside to yours, or your backside to her backside
Haram: your frontside to her frontside
OT
Marisol,
The link that was broken yesterday from the Pakistani Daily article on Jihad has been restored, with a different article than the original.
http://www.jihadwatch.org/archives/021127.php#comments
Awake--
Thanks for the heads-up. I had noticed yesterday that they had some other apologetic material in the "culture" section; oddly enough, both were headlines without links at that point. Right now (and also late yesterday), I'm having trouble getting the daily.pk site to load.
Their servers must be a little busier than usual after this...
Advise him to stick with a goat. Very practical.
If he is following the example of Muhammad, as he should as a devout Muslim, I wonder what caravan he'll be raiding in order to obtain his "wife", after killing her husband?
Another important factor to keep in mind is that he must wait until she turns 9 before consumating the "marriage".
You're the plow, she's the field. Go after her in any way you please. If she objects, beat the living hell out of her. Allah (PBUH) will be pleased.
Just remember the rules for entering and leaving a lavatory, what direction to face when urinating, which hand to use when wiping yourself.
Allah sees all!
Recommend the use of condoms.
If I did not possess the impeccable manners of a gentleman, I would suggest that your correspondent indulge in a sexual act that would require him to be both a hermaphrodite and a contortionist.
I think Bingo is right , this brother has already been informed about sex.
and the poor guy is so confused....
Here is what I was told by a Muslim scholar regarding sex in Islam
The man can do anything that pleased him and the wife has to please him..... there is nothing I know of teaching about the rights of the woman. Wonder why ....
This email must be framed and posted .
bobsfatwa.com
:D
Bob, you should start writing fatwas.
If he calls his right hand the koran, and his left the hadith, these should be sufficient to satisfy the suppliant.
Women - they're for something entirely different in islam: they're for subjugation and oppression.
Now go home Ahmed.
Welcome, Rashid. You ask thusly:
". . . i will get married soon and i want to know in islam which sex intercourse is haram and which sex intercourse is halal and which practical sex is haram between wife&husband please could you explain clearly to me because i dont want to be guilty in front of allah ..thank you very much allah bless you and ( jazakumu allah)"
In the name of Allah, the compassionate, the merciful, you are smart to bringing this matter here.
Pay not your attention to the infidels what lurk here and make comments nasty about islam. Is cannot be helped.
Your questions is important and we trying to answer. First, is important for man, you know real muslim man, to have much intercourse on first day and night of mariage. Many times. Eight, ten, or more. If cannot do so many, then some thing wrong and man need help.
Best help is to use girl like the prophet PBUH) use Aisha. You know about Aisha from Koran, yes. You find girl, ten, twelve, thirteen years old. Make the sex. Take pictures for to remind you later if ever necessary again. Be having the intercourse from as many ways as you can think. Take pictures. Have wife in picture also for best benefit. Everybody nude.
Before falling asleep post picture on Facebook or, if you be taking video use Youtube. You can ask for money for copies to help pay for costs of camera and girl. But do not be selfish to ask for much money. Ask for just little money.
Be proud. Smile at camera. Post pictures best ones with showing much hardness and girl and wife. This will be making you real muslim man and make your future full of security.
Peace be unto you.
Now, this Imam has the correct answers.
http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2005/01/ask_the_other_i.html
The potential for Mind Games here is just tooooooo much.
Let us start by informing him that the Woman is always, ALWAYS on top! And, Her wish is His command. Let the imagination go from there.
Well, well, well..if this is genuine, it's.rather different from the usual many-legged monsters that appear in the Hate Mail Bag.
I understand that Mr Spencer is a happily married man (well, he wears a wedding ring, and an air of cheerful contentment), and from a statement made waaay back in the archives, I think he may have at least one offspring safely tucked away in Secure Undisclosed Locationsville (lucky wife, lucky kid/s to have such a brave, smart and humble man as head of their family).
So, combine that with Mr Spencer's knowledge of Arabic, Quran, and encyclopedic knowledge of hadiths and interpretations, and I think he's eminently qualified to answer this poor confused Muslim correspondent in a manner nicely calculated to produce maximum happiness for the fellow's anonymous muslimah.
Come on, Mr Spencer. Don't let on you're actually a Catholic. Be charitable. Let this anxious young man go on thinking you're some kind of Muslim authority, and give him a lovely helpful fatwa, judiciously worded, full of flowery Arabic, and just such as a transformed, truly peaceful, human-rights-respecting Islam would produce in the circumstances. (Do the Bahaii books have anything that might help, in this connection?)
A long, long time ago a Jewish (female) poster shared with us the intriguing legend that a famous rabbi had decreed that a man should endeavour to please his wife before seeking his own pleasure (which, if a genuine ruling, would explain a LOT about Judaism...). Perhaps that might serve as inspiration.
Texan
Thanks....I needed that!
Sometimes I do wonder about the name "Jihad Watch".
Next year I plan on moving to China and living there for a number of years. I visit this site every day but worry about doing so in China as it may be misconstrued.
Ms Pig from Australia
Looks like this guy assumed this was the greater jihad watch and not the lesser jihad watch.
Hey Guys,
Truly you are being a little mean here. This is just some poor guy wanting to do the right thing when he gets married for goodness sake.
The correct answer to his question is that that anything that his wife agrees to other than anal intercourse is fine. Anal intercourse is haram.
So there you go Robert now maybe you can be an official pre-marriage Imam.
Have a wonderful weekend Robert and thanks for this interesting site. I continually learn a lot.
May the Lord continue to bless your work.
Best wishes,
A fellow Catholic
What a bunch of idiots these Muslims are!!! They don't even know how to have sex with their own spouses and they need directions and maps and illustrations and permission and stuff. Good grief!! Everything in their whole life has to be outlined.
A Catholic would never have to ask such stupid questions before making the whoopie. Guaranteed.
" a famous rabbi had decreed that a man should endeavour to please his wife before seeking his own pleasure (which, if a genuine ruling, would explain a LOT about Judaism...)."
Actually, Pope John Paul II covered this issue in his 'Theology of the Body'. He wrote that it's a sin against married love for the man to only seek his own pleasure, or to achieve pleasure before the woman does. Very interesting indeed.
By the way, you guys....these are the most HILAROUS comments ever. I had so much fun reading them.
"The correct answer to his question is that that anything that his wife agrees to other than"
Mariacallas, how would YOU know? Are you a specialist in the Islamic teachings on marriage and sex??
Madame Vengier,
Some of the Catholic teachings also are dealing with the fact that husband and wife should only have sex in order to have a child.
I agree with you this article is worth a million dollars.
but not too many Muslims came along to advise this poor fellow.
"Some of the Catholic teachings also are dealing with the fact that husband and wife should only have sex in order to have a child."
That's a lie. A complete, total and utter lie.
The two-fold purpose of sex in marriage according to authentic Church teaching is to (1) create a bond of marital love between spouses and (2) for procreation. TWO purposes. Not ONE.