“If they found out that I am no longer one of them, they would hate me and would want to kill me”

Shakila over at the Liberated blog has just post some very personal and affecting musings on what it is like to live as a secret apostate in a Muslim country:

Even when I am surrounded my thousands, I still feel so alone. I guess this is because I am living this dual existence which is killing me from inside. I have to pretend I am one of them when I am certainly not anymore. Sometimes I feel like crying out hysterically, while at others, I just want to laugh out loud. The other day I was sitting in our office cafeteria with a group of friends who were all laughing and gossiping, but I was sitting in a corner just smiling, while at the same time, my eyes were slightly damp with tears. I felt this sudden stab in my heart that these women who are supposed to be my friends and who say they love me actually just love me for what I am. If they found out that I am no longer one of them, they would hate me and would want to kill me. What kind of love is this? Not only them, I feel the same when I am with my family. I have realized that all these people, my friends, family and relatives, just love me for what I am. Everyone’s love is so conditional. The truth hurts so much and the more I think of it, the more depressed I feel.

Read it all.

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  1. says

    Love doesn’t have much to do with it. See Islam for what it is.

    The Religion of Peace, Islam, is but a Piece of Religion, and very small and questionable at that. Islam was created by the objectively inferior to feel subjectively superior and this is further reflected in the military-political aspects of Islam. I tried to capture that essence in this skit.

    Two men have just come out of a bar and are shaking hands.
    RUMP: See ya on the weekend. Take care.
    MUTT: Yep, Resist Allah’s Army.
    RUMP: Whatever… Look, you always say that. What about this religion of peace?
    MUTT: Duh!
    RUMP: OK man, (squirming) my hemorrhoids are killing me. Give me the ABC and make it fast.
    MUTT: A is for apostasy. Leave Islam and they kill you”that’s desertion and treason in face of the enemy during war. B for blasphemy gets you death”challenging the chain of godly command. C for conquest”all infidels must be killed or dhimmified, hence the sentence for A and B. Now get going before you bleed to death.
    They walk off in opposite directions. Rump stops and turns around.
    RUMP: (yelling) Muuuutt!!!
    Mutt stops and turns around.
    RUMP:I get it!!!
    MUTT: Yo!!!
    RUMP: Resist Allah’s Army!!!
    MUTT: RAA!!! RAA!!! RAA!!!

    God bless you.

  2. says

    I was unable to gign in over at liberated’s blog. I hope she reads this site. I wanted to say Liberated you have been through such an overwhelming ordeal. It is truly heartbreaking to find that all you have been taught all your life by all who loved you is false and that their love is indeed conditional. This kind of inner trauma is so injuring to your emotions that it becomes difficult to know what to think any more. Even this earthly life becomes like a strange dream. How difficult is it then to contemplate the ‘heavenly things’ or the meaning of life, let alone begin shopping for a new religion. You are so brave, L!! When my heart was broken I took to my bed for months and cried. After that video games. Apathy took over. It took years to feel like myself again.
    I am a Christian but I know that the Jewish and the Hindus and the buddhists, the atheists and all the rest on here will agree with me on this: You Take All The Time You Need!!! Be still. Please be at peace. Enjoy being free. Give your dear head a chance to get clear. You are loved. We are all praying for you! (Except the atheists. But they are cheering I’m sure)
    Hugs and kisses across the miles!

  3. says

    Liberated, first be very patient. Have you tried believing in Jesus Christ? The Christ was very patient and very good. Jesus never wished evil on others. Jesus went about doing going always. He performed miracles, many miracles. Jesus was no Muhammad. I’m a Catholic.

    Do you believe in miracles? I do. I have experienced many mirales in the supernatural order; that means above the natural. I know that I leave myself wide open for ridicule, but I don’t mind. I look at it this way: when I die, and I surely will die, my God of Love will not be harsh with me when it comes to courage. Jesus will see that I wasn’t afraid to tell others of His immense power. So, I don’t mind if people will ridicule me. I know what I’ve seen, and what I have heard.

    I just know that you were never a bad person. So I know that you never followed Islam. That’s great. You were never an authentic Muslim, and that’s a great plus. Have faith, and don’t be afraid to pray.

    I understand your feelings. For years I was surrounded by thousands of thugs who were looking for my head to collect the equivalent of three million American dollar. Those idiots didn’t collect anything, and they never will. I had faith that we would destroy the enemy and we did.


    Your friend.

  4. says

    Oh, Shakila …

    Please do not, despair… I am at loss of words to console you, How could I when I feel the same way some times …

    Yes, I do feel like a stranger between my Family member like you do and when that happens I *learned* [ you will too, eventually] to remind my self [ more like knock on my brain with my fist :) ] …that we were born with brains that is thirsty for truth and we have no control … there is no going back.. you have to except that, and once you do it will become easer as time passes … that is what happen to me.

    when we do finely know the truth[ that Islam is nothing but a scamp] we should celebrate in silent celebration and happiness in our hearts, since, public celebration in out of the question and our lives at stake.

    This happiness, that is dipped in sadness and sense of loss, could be the damp that stops the avalanche of pure helplessness and bewilderment that you are feeling ….

    Last year… one day I set by my self after a run-in with my husband after calling me ” nothing but too bit Kafirah who is burring for ever in Jahaniam is too good for me… I was stabbed with so much pain, I felt like I splinted in thousand of fragments…. I cried uncontrollably for two days … Shakila ..I swear to you, I tried to think of every thing to try to stop my self from crying and nothing worked, except, the thought that I Know the truth and he does not … that, my soul is free and his is not …

    that the fact I am a 100 % sure there is No Allah to burn me BUT he does…the beliefe in that, is torture, in it self , because I know he is no saint and he knows it…

    I know If there is A God [ I know you are a Christian now, you found a place to go, mentally, other then Islam and I am happy for you ] . it is about love and not hate … My husband is afraid of death and I am not, because I know it is about total rest and numbness and not hard work and extreme pain … I believe that in every fiber in my being.

    While I am here on this earth I refuse … I refuse… to be roped of My life and the time I have left of any kind of happiness that we are born to feel.

    Shakila … Put the situation that you find your self in a scale …
    put , your feelings of disconnect from, and dishonesty to your clueless friends and family, in one side, and, put, your knowledge that you are free of the lie of Islam that your Muslims still believe in and thats include the belief we are doomed like they do …especially Muslim women … quern says we are going to stay with the husbands in heaven while they have unlimited nights of bliss …more like unlimited stupidity.

    weigh the two and see, which one will, tip …

    I think mental freedom surpass bodily freedom ……
    I use my mental freedom to help me cope with lack of body freedom … it is hard … especially when guilt eats at me when I let some irrational thinking seep in and I let it disturb my inner peace.

    I hope I helped with my thought about our sheared experiences … I think no .. I know, that i it will get easer … my heart goes out to you …
    please know that I think of you and your pain …
    I think we never should defined our selves of what and who is around us … after all we are individual beings and we do have to be true to our selves.

    peace to you Shakila …shin up … :-)

    I wish I could tell you, love between people in unconditional

  5. says


    me again … I wrote the last sentence and I wanted to included in the begging nd I forgot about it … sorry

    But it works where it is … doesn’t ? …

    I found that the only love that is unconditional is the love of your own children….

  6. says

    Hello friends.. Yeah I do check for comments on both my blog and at JW.. Thank you so much for your valuable comments and suggestions. I just wish I had realized it earlier, I mean Islam being a scam.. Now when I think of it, It is so obvious that there is no Allah, it was just a figment of Mo’s imagination. I agree with Finelving.. I am 100 percent sure about it and there is no way anyone can convince me otherwise. I do feel literally liberated from that cult and I actually feel sorry for those who are in it and who probably will never see the light.. People like us (the apostates) are really fortunate and obviously very smart.. I sometimes have this sense of vanity which I know it not good but still can’t help it. Whenever I am feeling really low, that is what makes me a little better.. That I am smart and intelligent.. I know and I can see what these blind & deaf people cannot comprehend..

  7. says

    Fineliving, I am so proud of you.. You have gone through so much and to hear all those spiteful things from your family and especially your husband must be so difficult..
    I just wish I could be even half as strong as you are. God bless you..

  8. says

    Do not think I am making light of LIBERATED’s dire situation when I say that as a fiscal and social conservative actress, I can relate to her words. Yes, I know she means they would literally kill her, but I have seen first hand how work dries up for conservative actors who are outed. It is a type of dual existence.

  9. says

    If they found out that I am no longer one of them, they would hate me and would want to kill me…

    Even when I am surrounded my thousands, I still feel so alone.

    I’m sure you do feel lonely and frightened, Shakila. But your posting on your blog and here are your first steps to building a new community.

    Whatever you decide for yourself, you can find friends and loved ones who will love you for yourself.

    You will also find people who will have no desire to hurt or kill you even if they find themselves in disagreement with you on some points.

    Don’t lose heart!

  10. says

    Shakila, when I was feeling down, a good friend of mine said I needed a good dose of the Psalms (the long, long book in the middle of the Old and New Testaments). He was a good Christian, and I took his advice. The Psalms are a good reminder that even those clossest to the heart of God Almighty Himself can go through black dog moods. Every so often, my wife and I read them together.

    And I know a little about what you’re feeling. I was raised in a household steeped in the mindset of the 1930’s, where the word “science” could be pronounced only in a hushed, reverential tone, and you had to bow three times when you uttered it (just exaggerating), I got ridiculed for being backwards and superstitious when Christ found me–and this by “scientific” sibs whose first reading in the daily newspaper was the astrology column.

    Fine Living, re your comment about God being about loving rather than hating, if he exists, I have a sneaky suspicion that you–and your husband–may find what you need in Jesus Christ. You, because you know there’s either a bigger God than the one you were raised with, or none at all; he, because he recognizes the importance of the issue.

  11. says

    I will never ridicule you. As a matter of fact, I would defend you to the best of my ability. I am, to a certain extent, a dimwit, but I can truthfully say I am no dhimmiwit.
    To PCPCP:
    Glad you came through the valley. Hopefully, I will as well.

  12. says

    Hang in there, Shakila. Remember the words of Gandhi – “in the end, evil always fails. Always.”

    Welcome to our little corner of the anti-jihad. Like others, I can’t seem to post at your site, but I am happy to hear you are monitoring this site. I encourage your continued search for the truth.

    And as we say in the state I live in – “Live free or die”

  13. says

    Jesus Promises the Holy Spirit …

    John 14:15-18:

    “If you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another *Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.”

    *Helper is the Holy Spirit; also known as the Comforter elsewhere in the Bible.

    Take courage, dear sister.

  14. says

    Kepha .. greetings

    I do not think you thought, what you said, thoroughly,

    The notion that, My husband will agree to go to Church …is just about the same chance that you will convert to Islam and go to mosque …
    The chance for that to happen is 0 chance … I my correct?
    The fact that you said that … makes me think, Most Christians, still do not know, the abundance of pure hate that Muslims [ Extremists and Moderate a like] carry for you and Jews.
    When I announced that I am no longer a Muslim to my family and I said do not want to be asked to go to Mosque any more … of course My family hit the roof … the first question, they asked me ..” what are you now, Please, do not, say you are Christian or a jew?!!!
    When I said ” non of them, all I know is Quran is a scam and Muhammad is the worst humen being, who ever walked on this earth” . …
    I sow naked relieve on their faces ? … that was clear enough … they rather lose me to Atheism or Agnosticism then Christianity and Judaism … the worst, to Judaism … I think even a moderate will see blood when that happens.

    I do not like to discuss My opinion on Christianly with Christians … I feel who,I my to criticize someone’s religion, when that religion is not hurting me or my family or any one else … Of course that does not exclude Islam, because it, DOES do all these things.

    I respect Christian and I which them happiest lives . … I have read the bible and I sow some pros and cons … my idea of a perfect God does not match