Shakila over at the Liberated blog has just post some very personal and affecting musings on what it is like to live as a secret apostate in a Muslim country:
Even when I am surrounded my thousands, I still feel so alone. I guess this is because I am living this dual existence which is killing me from inside. I have to pretend I am one of them when I am certainly not anymore. Sometimes I feel like crying out hysterically, while at others, I just want to laugh out loud. The other day I was sitting in our office cafeteria with a group of friends who were all laughing and gossiping, but I was sitting in a corner just smiling, while at the same time, my eyes were slightly damp with tears. I felt this sudden stab in my heart that these women who are supposed to be my friends and who say they love me actually just love me for what I am. If they found out that I am no longer one of them, they would hate me and would want to kill me. What kind of love is this? Not only them, I feel the same when I am with my family. I have realized that all these people, my friends, family and relatives, just love me for what I am. Everyone's love is so conditional. The truth hurts so much and the more I think of it, the more depressed I feel.