You can't make this stuff up!

Are you sure this wasn't in MAD magazine or on Comedy Central?

Posted by: PMK at August 11, 2008 6:42 PM

If ice-cream is banned because the prophet didn't know it then how do they justify learning to fly an airplane, or even driving a car? Mohammed didn't have cell phones, computers or a lot of other things but al Qaeda employs them.

Posted by: PMK at August 11, 2008 6:45 PM

"suggestive-looking vegetables..."

This is undoubtedly going to give rise, on this thread and elsewhere, to all sorts of obvious and unseemly jokes of the "Come weez me to ze Kasbah, and I weel show you my zucchini" or "I lost my thrill on Cucumber Hill" type.

Can we nip that stuff in the bud right here right now? Please. Pax vobiscum, or Post nabisco, or something, A Pax Cucurbita whose like we shall not see again.

Besides, this story will undoubtedly make it into Jay Leno's monologue, and be mentioned on Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live, and elsewhere.

So unless your joke is very very good please refrain.

There are women and children present. And I am, too.

Posted by: Hugh at August 11, 2008 6:47 PM

No cucumbers were allowed into the Ottoman Sultan's harem unless first cut into very thin slices.
The reference to slaughtering a nine year old like a sheep is more disturbing: the nasty little habit of do-it-yourself slaughtering of large mammals to celebrate id or the birthday of the "prophet" can look suspiciously like practice for homicide, particularly as it is often used as a way of toughening up young males. The Hitler Youth did much the same thing when giving young people from the towns periods of work on a farm.

Posted by: wallyUK at August 11, 2008 6:50 PM

"an edict not to buy or sell ice-cream, because it did not exist in the time of the Prophet..."

Not true. In seventh-century Arabia, they had vanilla and chocolate and, in some places, even strawberry. It was hard to keep frozen, what with the desert heat and so on, but they somehow managed. Of course, let's not be silly, and pretend that they had every flavor. No, of course not. None of the Companions apparently reports, rattle those isnad-chains as you may, that anyone was eating pistachio (my favorite), or Rocky Road, or Chocolate Chip Mint, or Cherry Garcia. So ban those if you must. But for god's sake, keep the vanilla. Keep the chocolate. And try to see your way clear to keeping the strawberry, too. Soyons raisonnables.

Posted by: Hugh at August 11, 2008 6:52 PM

Golly, Hugh, you sure do know your hadiths--do you know the one about the she-camel and the squash?

Posted by: John C at August 11, 2008 7:03 PM

Chocolate came from South America. Unless Columbus really did see domes and minarets in Cuba, seventh-century Arabia could not have had it.

Posted by: skevin at August 11, 2008 7:05 PM

I am racing to the patent office. I am inventing a burka for cucumbers and bananas.

I swear this religion and the societies that islam breeds are completely based on and obsessed with sexual inferiority.

Posted by: alaskan1000 at August 11, 2008 7:12 PM

The Japanese invasion of China led to the volunteer American/China airforce to paint Tigers on the plains because the Jananese feared Tigers. As most us know this is where the Flying Tigers came from.

I will not say, because Hugh has asked, but if I were a fighter pilot in a muslim country I now know what I would paint on my plane to cause fear in the minds of muslims.

Posted by: alaskan1000 at August 11, 2008 7:19 PM

I'm making banana splits after dinner tonight, with extra chocolate syrup and lots of nuts. Bet NUTS are not allowed to be purchased by Muslim women either, since they could represent, well, you know. I'll let you figure that one out.

Islamic comedy in the most unlikely place: the produce department. LOL!

Posted by: champ at August 11, 2008 7:24 PM

Cukes Rewl, Dudes!

Posted by: John C at August 11, 2008 7:29 PM

LOL, champ! My God, cucumbers. Pickles too, I guess. It's just too funny they're, Mohammedan males, so pitiful!

Yet, the Minarets, which are a phallic symbol, rise high for all of the black-tented women and girls to constantly see! Mohammedan males = Total hypocrites.

Posted by: darcy at August 11, 2008 7:34 PM

Are you sure this wasn't in MAD magazine or on Comedy Central? -Posted by: PMK

Actually, it was NPR who reported 8/7/06 (audio link) on the situation in IRAQ, where shepherds in the northern area of Ghazalea (?) have recently been murdered for failing to diaper their goats. Apparently the sexual tension was so high in regions where sheiks take a drakonian view of sharia law, that they feel the sight of naked goats posed an un-acceptable temptation.

Posted by: heroyalwhyness at August 11, 2008 7:37 PM

When Khomeini came to power he decreed that all frozen food in the country be destroyed for the same reason. If these people want to live in the 7th century Anno Domini we should help them, what with our belief in self-determination and all that.

Posted by: SaracensAtTheGates at August 11, 2008 7:39 PM

"Other farcical stipulations include an edict not to buy or sell ice-cream, because it did not exist in the time of the Prophet."

But AK47's and C4 did exist at the time of the "prophet"?

Posted by: DaveMate at August 11, 2008 7:46 PM

Most seriously, Sheikh al-Hayyes said: "I saw them slaughter a nine-year old boy like a sheep because his family didn't pledge allegiance to them."...

And of course, at great risk to yourself, you tried to stop them. Failing that, you did get names, descriptions and license plate numbers to give to the police. Due to your heroic actions, the culprits will soon be caught...Good work Sheikh...

Posted by: duh_swami at August 11, 2008 7:55 PM

Hey, darcy! LOL! It's pitiful, isn't it? The absolute nonsense that the Islamic culture will come up with; and all things being equal (not that all things are equal for men and women within Islam), but if they were equal, then I guess Muslim men should not be allowed to buy melons - especially two melons at a time.

String beans are next on the better-not-buy list for Muslim women, as even they offer very stiff competition for the Muslim male ego.

Posted by: champ at August 11, 2008 8:05 PM

Cucumbers, some may be pleased in these up-with-solar-energy days to be reminded, were used to store the energy of sunbeams by the eminent travailleurs of the Academy of Lagado. Swift was before his time, of course. Those who exhibit savage indignation so often are.

This cucumber theme can go on forever.

Posted by: Hugh at August 11, 2008 8:07 PM

String beans are next on the better-not-buy list for Muslim women, as even they offer very stiff competition for the Muslim male ego.

Posted by: champ at August 11, 2008 8:05 PM

LOL, "stiff competition?"

Posted by: darcy at August 11, 2008 8:17 PM

:-)

Posted by: champ at August 11, 2008 8:20 PM

well since most men are not as large as the average cucumber i could see why the very small Arab male could be worried(evil grin)
this story reminds me of a candian joke were canada was to send a few million trogens to the usa and the president making the request asked for condoms 12x6 inches and the canadian pm he was making the request
of as the factory to bill the pmo(prime ministers office) but put canadian size extra small (very evil grin)on the wrapper i wounder what al-qaedas reaction would be in iraq if we started handing out free condoms of this size with usa/canada size small in aribic on the wrapper and boxes if they fell for it it would show that there thinking with the wrong head

Posted by: ISLAMSNOTFORME at August 11, 2008 8:28 PM

Banning cucumbers. Do you think somebody has a wittle pwobwem with their feewings of infewiowity?

Heavens to mergatroid, this really is too much.

I'd like to applaud all the American men out there who are on this blog who are so much braver, more logical and not hung up on their privates like Muslim men. It's just really getting to be beyond absurd. Are we going to be bested by these ridiculous morons who solve everything by saying "no, no" or "you can't" or "silence, I keel you" (think Jeff Dunham) and think about their penises 24 hours a day?

Please.

Posted by: Isabellathecrusader at August 11, 2008 8:44 PM

Hugh's request above should not go unheeded.

Posted by: MarisolJW at August 11, 2008 8:44 PM

Cucumber dreams...the movie...Free radicals are running wild...

I can't stand them and they can't stand me.
Besides they are almost void of food value and are very low in antioxidant's. And uglyyyy. You want to eat ugly? Better you eat good looking vegetables, like one hot tomato, or some red hot chili peppers,
who could pass up okra from the vine.

I'm sorry, I just cant get worked up over cucumbers...maybe eggplant...

Posted by: duh_swami at August 11, 2008 8:46 PM

Electronic amplification also did not exist in the time of the prophet. So ix-nay on the blasted adhan. Plus, you could say somethings about the way a microphone looks. Also, automatic weapons, RPG's and IED's did not exist in the time of the prophet. In fact, he mostly fought with swords. No guns, no hijacked airplanes, all haram.

Posted by: Concerned Citizen at August 11, 2008 8:51 PM

Come on, Islam is all do as I say, not as I do.

Ever notice why the women are so oppressed? Because if your religion is built on the premise of men getting laid whenever they want then you have to have an endless supply of ready, willing and able women around to service the men. We know a lot of these women aren't willing, as attested to by Amina Said who ran away rather than marry some old guy her dad picked out for her, or the potential UK/Pakistani bride who jumped out the window rather than marry the old guy her dad picked out for her, or the girl who was strangled in Georgia over the 4th of July weekend because she was planning on divorcing the guy her dad picked out for her. We know a lot of these women aren't able, because so many of them aren't even women, being six years old to teenybopper aged. So instead Islam demands that they be ready and in order to make them so they put them in a box (or really, a bag,) have family members watch them like the KGB, plan their lives, plan their weddings and if they balk at all, plan and carry out their deaths.

I can see why Muslim women might develop some sort of Stockholm Syndrome but what I really want to know is why Muslim men are so demented? Honestly, if they go to all the trouble to artificially control their relationships so that women never get to say boo, then it's just a hop, skip and a jump to having sex with little kids and animals. Once everything they do is abnormal and repulsive, everything abnormal and repulsive will seem just fine. But how many little kids and young women could tell us the truth about how much it is not?

Posted by: Isabellathecrusader at August 11, 2008 9:08 PM

I laughed out loud when I read this one!
Women are to be locked away immediately! (Sgt. Schultz voice)

Posted by: interestinconundrum at August 11, 2008 9:08 PM

There just might be something to this, this masculinizing of the Genus Cucurbitae--the herbalist's Doctrine of Signatures, and all that. I mean, if camel's urine and black cumin are universal cure-alls to these people, maybe there's some hidden folk wisdom to be distilled from cucurbits--nothing Swiftian--but right now I'm willing to try something completely natural to boost my animal magnetism, my manly prowess!

Posted by: John C at August 11, 2008 9:16 PM

Like I said, maybe these people are on to something--I'll even bet that Saddam swore by the power of cukes to revitalize a man!

Posted by: John C at August 11, 2008 9:20 PM

Oh, so THAT'S why Muslim women can't buy cucumbers. They might start enjoying sex and we couldn't have that.

Posted by: Isabellathecrusader at August 11, 2008 9:33 PM

"...but what I really want to know is why Muslim men are so demented?" --Isabella

LOL! That must be the question of the Ages.

Seriously.

Posted by: darcy at August 11, 2008 9:35 PM

“…but if they were equal, then I guess Muslim men should not be allowed to buy melons - especially two melons at a time.”
Posted by: champ

C’mon champ, you’re talking about Muslim men here! (and of course you should be sent to “beds apart” and beaten for having the impertinence to do so)

As everyone knows, Muslim men are allowed 4 wives or 8 melons – provided of course that they can treat them all equally.

Posted by: Davegreybeard at August 11, 2008 9:35 PM

Daveygreybeard, LOL!!

But seriously, should we tell them about the melon baller? Hours of fun for the entire family.

Oh wait, I forgot...their's no fun in Islam. Plan B.

Posted by: Isabellathecrusader at August 11, 2008 9:39 PM

they may not of had ice cream but the romans 700 years befor islams pet pervert founded the cult did have iced dishes made from snow brought by relays of runners from the alps so ice cream could have been around then! there a lot we don't know about the romans and since ice lasts longer they might of brout it and shaved the ice and the idians of the north east did pour maple surup on snow

Posted by: ISLAMSNOTFORME at August 11, 2008 9:41 PM

This, in microcosm, functions as a crystal-clear reason why the good guys (i.e., non-Muslims) in this struggle against Islamic supremacist intentions will win. Again I assert that just about the best ally for those confronting Islamic idiocy is Islam itself. No way such a stupid way of thinking, as is characteristic and SO predictable of the Muslim mentality, will prevail over others in the long run. Just let Muslims be Muslims and we're half way to victory----even without lifting a cucumber, finely salted and peppered, to go with a frosty brew (also banned by funless, exceedingly dreay, Mohammedans).

Now, if only the modern Left (an unintentional but dim-witted ally of radical Muslims) will step aside, we'll beat these jokers hands down. Anybody have an extra fine cigar (like a cucumber, longer than it is wide) at their disposal? I feel like smoking one.

Posted by: Wellington at August 11, 2008 9:44 PM

LOL, Davegreybeard! Yeah, 20 lashes for me for pointing out their double-standard(s).

Posted by: champ at August 11, 2008 9:51 PM

The fatter the better, eh, Wellington?

Posted by: John C at August 11, 2008 9:53 PM

According to wikipedia,

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ice_cream#Precursors_of_ice_cream

the precursors of icecream - variations on the shaved ice/ fruit-and-ice/ sorbet/ gelato theme - were in existence (Rome, Persia, China) centuries before Islam, dependent on a handy supply of natural mountain snow & ice.

Icecream as we know it was invented in 18th century England and America.

Posted by: dumbledoresarmy at August 11, 2008 9:56 PM

DaveGrey,

For the Muslim male, the number of available melons is only limited by price and demand--remember, a Muslim man may rightly obtain as many concubines as his right hand possesses.

Posted by: John C at August 11, 2008 9:59 PM

The herdsman were expected to "DIAPER" their goats????? Oh come on....lol. Just when I thought it couldn't get any more ridiculous....

Demented, paranoid, evil idiots.

Posted by: gymgal at August 11, 2008 10:05 PM

Cucumbers do come in a seedless version.

What is there to say about men who find female goats offensive in a sexuaL manner? And we're suppose to have a dialogue with such &^*#% ??

Posted by: HOV Dummy at August 11, 2008 10:15 PM

HOV Dummy says: "Cucumbers do come in a seedless version."

My God, a castrated cucumber!

and: "What is there to say about men who find female goats offensive in a sexuaL manner?"

The same thing one says about "men" who find female goats attractive in a sexual manner: Yecch!

The beasts and the beastly.

Posted by: ebonystone at August 11, 2008 10:29 PM

think the farmers. performing FGM on tomatoes....

Posted by: theygottago at August 11, 2008 10:40 PM

Ahh yes the Islamic world is full of Montey-Pythonesque humor. Lets not forget the "penis panic" that occured in the Sudan in 03'

http://memri.org/bin/articles.cgi?Page=archives&Area=sd&ID=SP59303

Panic in Khartoum: Foreigners Shake Hands, Make Penises Disappear

This is the best part:

"In conclusion Abbas wrote: "That man, who, as it is claimed, is from West Africa, is an imperialist Zionist agent that was sent to prevent our people from procreating and multiplying…" 12

Posted by: ethoman at August 11, 2008 10:48 PM

Oh my gosh, and we're afraid of these people? C'mon you guys.

Posted by: Isabellathecrusader at August 11, 2008 11:09 PM

I will not make cuke jokes. I will not make cuke jokes.

You do not how tough this is! I can't stand it anymore!

What does the average Al-Qaeda jihadi and a cucumber have in common?

They are both vegetables.

Posted by: tanstaafl at August 11, 2008 11:17 PM

The absurdity of this thread is obvious. It would indeed be overtly hysterical except for the sad fact of its inherent truth.

The Muslim male genetic predisposition to impotence. It is not applicable to Arabs alone, not by a "long shot", (no pun intended), just those who feel thaty women have to be covered and boxed away, lest the gang-rape mentality ensue in short order, because Allah is verily merciful and oft-forgiving.

Subscribers to that wasteful, pessimistic, ultimate dead-end of a tradition...Islam, they all tend to experience the same afflictive tendencies.

Even "Hindenberg" dare not bring his highly flammable, gas-filled propoganda here.

When the checkers-club no longer wants you, there is always Islam to fall back on.

Posted by: awake at August 11, 2008 11:18 PM

This situation demands fatwas from ulema councils throughout Islam! Takfiri cucumbers colaborating with najis Crusader Zionist occupiers! Dismember them! Publicly decapitate them and bury them in trenches in the marketplace!--remember how the Prophet of Allah (PeasBeetOkraYam) repayed the Jews for their treachery? Root them out wherever you find them! Spare NOT ONE tender shoot among them! Allahu Akhbar! Allahu Akhbar! ALLAHU AKHBAR !!

Posted by: John C at August 11, 2008 11:21 PM

(Raises and waves sword menacingly)

Posted by: John C at August 11, 2008 11:23 PM

These peoples minds are vegetable matter. Tomato-phobia now cucumber-phobia. Go figure.

Posted by: Sounder at August 11, 2008 11:41 PM

Hugh, would I be banned if I suggested that we just
say NO! to Vegeterrorism!

Posted by: Jewel Atkins at August 11, 2008 11:45 PM

"They regarded the cucumber as male and tomato as female. Women were not allowed to buy cucumbers, only men."
................................

Well, I'm making Greek food tonight, including a cucumber, tomato, red onion and yogurt salad. I hadn't thought much about it at the market, but now I feel like such a bad girl!

more:

Sheikh Hameed al-Hayyes, a Sunni elder, told Reuters: "They even killed female goats because their private parts were not covered and their tails were pointed upward, which they said was haram.
...............................

OK, they are truly demented. Besides, I thought goats had their charms, as long as they were sold to neighboring villages afterwards, per Ayatollah Khomeini.

Of course, it's easy to laugh at this stuff, but it almost immediately goes from absurdity to sadistic violence, such as the horrifying story about the murdered 9-year-old boy. Barbarians.

Posted by: gravenimage at August 12, 2008 12:19 AM

John C, that's Obama-hu AK-47 bar!

Posted by: Ummah Gummah at August 12, 2008 1:13 AM

I stand corrected, Brother.

Posted by: John C at August 12, 2008 2:26 AM

Ha Ha Ha....I certainly had a good laugh at this...

What with Nissan and then Cucumbers ....

The arabs (unlike the turks) certainly have their fair share of quirks and knobs...LoL

Posted by: hindenberg at August 12, 2008 2:53 AM

Now, if any of you [deletion deletion] are banished to your respective beds for being uppity and disobedient, there is always the solace of produce--no wonder Muslim men feel so insecure, having to compete with the joys of [deletion].

Posted by: John C at August 12, 2008 3:03 AM

vegetables gals naughty

Posted by: John C at August 12, 2008 3:04 AM

peoples,

remember the holy imam himself say, "there is no humour in islam"

Posted by: John C at August 12, 2008 3:08 AM

This Cucumber Jihad is FUN for Believers and kuffar alike!

Posted by: John C at August 12, 2008 4:56 AM

peoples,

remember the holy imam himself say, "there is NO FUN in islam"

Posted by: John C at August 12, 2008 4:59 AM

As feared.

Posted by: Hugh at August 12, 2008 5:04 AM

I'd call it a case of islamic cucumber envy.

Posted by: Ummah Gummah at August 12, 2008 5:08 AM

I think this is a good example for the layman to understand how absurdly dangerous the wahabbi school of thought is.
Having said that I did see a rather seditious looking sausage sandwich while having breakfast in my local deli this morning.

Posted by: Ken CleanAirSystem at August 12, 2008 7:24 AM

"But how many little kids and young women could tell us the truth about how much it is not?"

Isabella, the women may be able to tell us the truth, but as for the goats......

They cover their women to avoid being seduced by those evil females. They want the goats diapered for the same reason.......and it isn't the billys they're worried about.

Posted by: ImNoDhimmi at August 12, 2008 8:01 AM

Absolutely unbelievable (well, not really, considering the utter stupidity that islam promotes). What will they think of next? Perhaps a ban on yellow, crook-necked squash because it may resemble someone with Peyronie's Syndrome? These guys continue to prove with each passing day just how anal-retentive they are. And that's putting it mildly!

Posted by: MadAggie at August 12, 2008 8:53 AM

So muslim men have green, warty mmmm...members? I didn't know that. Talk about weird repressed sexuality. And the goat thing? Whew!! Now this is all pretty funny.

Posted by: Rick at August 12, 2008 9:17 AM

So this is gives us an inside view of the practiced sexual morals of THE WORLDS FASTEST GROWING RELIGION.

Posted by: Spot on at August 12, 2008 9:53 AM

"Panic in Khartoum: Foreigners Shake Hands, Make Penises Disappear

Too ridiculous to be taken seriously, right?

Wrong. In the good old days of burning and hanging those accused of witchcraft, this is one of the pet charges of the alleged "victim". It, and other foolish 'proofs' of witchcraft is in the ever-popular Malleus Maleficarum.

Thank God our forefathers got over that silliness long ago!

Posted by: Abscedere at August 12, 2008 9:59 AM

Abscedere wrote:

Thank God our forefathers got over that silliness [belief in witchcraft] long ago!
...................................

Well, *some* of our forefathers got over it. Remember this horrible story from a few months ago, where a woman in Saudi Arabia may be executed for "bewitching" a man's penis. I don't know what has happened to this woman since.

Here's the link:

http://www.jihadwatch.org/dhimmiwatch/archives/019957.php

The sheer irrationality of Islam is appalling. Imagine trying to live under such a violent and arbitrary system.

Posted by: gravenimage at August 12, 2008 11:23 AM

Dismember them! Publicly decapitate them and bury them in trenches in the marketplace....
Posted by: John C at August 11, 2008 11:21 PM

Hey John C,

How about we just PICKLE them?

(I hope that meets the standards as outlined above by Hugh.)

Posted by: dentalque at August 12, 2008 11:38 AM

Just to add to the above comments on prohibition within the cult of islam. In Saudi Arabia nutmeg is forbidden as it is considered an aphrodisiac. Deodorants that contain alcohol are forbidden, potographs of babies in diapers not allowed, pictures of women advertising hair colour are blacked outm and no laughing. The list is endless. What a boring pathetic bunch they are.

Posted by: bee at August 12, 2008 11:48 AM

Brother, you are truly cruel and ruthless to takfir collaborating cucumbers--congrats!

Aw, c'mon, Hugh, admit it--you want to be regaled by tales of lecherous leeks, shamelessly simmering stewed tomatoes, unnaturally coupling cucumbers, doncha!!

Posted by: John C at August 12, 2008 12:26 PM

Gotcha!

Posted by: John C at August 12, 2008 12:32 PM

This thread has earned the nickname, Phallic Fruit & Veggie Tales. Funny stuff, guys & gals!

Posted by: champ at August 12, 2008 12:36 PM

Slaughtering nine-year olds to coerce his family. That'll do it. We don't need to be in Iraq...it's an immoral war. The far-right Christians are the ones that are trying to legislate morality, force people to do things their way!

Welcome to Sturgis, South Dakota, where the following took place (courtesy Baptist Press):

"Nearly four years ago Jim Hamilton, executive director of the then-new Dakota Baptist Convention, envisioned an intentional evangelistic outreach at Sturgis that would involve volunteers from across the nation to share their faith with whoever would listen, and those who listened could enter a drawing to win a new Harley-Davidson motorcycle.

"People are walking away from Sturgis with Jesus in their hearts and He is going to begin to change their life," Hamilton said during a momentary break from sharing his testimony during the third year of the Sturgis outreach. "We have been obedient witnesses in a place that desperately needs it."

Not everyone leaves with Christ as their personal Lord and Savior, Hamilton acknowledged. Some say, "That was a good story" or "I'm at a different place in my life right now."

"It is not up to us to save them," said Buck Hill, one of the Dakota convention's regional team leaders. "It's the Holy Spirit's job to draw them and then God to save them. We are called to spread the Good News. That's what we do in Sturgis."

Oh, those fascist brownshirt Christian fundamentalists. Now, I'm not particularly religious. But none of these folks are slaughtering children because their version of spirituality, or lack thereof, is different from the prosyletizers'.

When will the left understand that the vacuum in Iraq will fill with more and viler Islam if it isn't filled with a different faith? Secularity will not replace Islam. I think we see how that works in Turkey.

Posted by: winoceros at August 12, 2008 12:40 PM

Yeah, winoceros, we have to keep an eye on those crazy terrorist Christians. The worst thing I ever "thought" about doing while evangelizing for Christ was to knock someone upside their head with my Bible, but of course I didn't. Thought about it, though, LOL!

Islam is all about forcing you to believe in allah, whether you want to or not, and by any evil means possible. Free will does not exist in Zombieland, where milk & honey are in short supply. No fun, and no free will exercised here!

Posted by: champ at August 12, 2008 1:09 PM

Islam is all about submitting, outwardly professing, and conforming--belief means being coerced and conditioned to respond like Pavlov's dogs.

Posted by: John C at August 12, 2008 1:25 PM

Dateline: Jihadwatch, August 12, 2008

Anti Jihad Ground Troops Ignore Central Command Authority, Launch "Comedy Counteroffensive". Civilians, goats, and vegetables reported fleeing the area.

Posted by: RalphInfidel at August 12, 2008 1:26 PM

Ralph, you are always so dang funny!! :-D

Posted by: champ at August 12, 2008 1:32 PM

Said one of the Antijihadist irregulars, "Central Command? You gotta be kidding!"

Posted by: John C at August 12, 2008 1:34 PM

You know Hugh, it was inevitable that the thread would go this way. Because of our secure knowledge of our inherent right to free speech here in America, when we can't control ourselves it is more in line with debating and arguing and expressing our opinion. (And telling silly jokes.) But wouldn't you rather have that than a society of men who resemble water diviners following women around and bothering them when all they are trying to do is gather ingredients for that night's dinner salad?

Posted by: Isabellathecrusader at August 12, 2008 1:49 PM

...It was reported that one of rebel the troops even scoffed at the idea of a central command...

This is obviously a total breakdown of discipline. Be strong in this time of chaos.

Posted by: RalphInfidel at August 12, 2008 1:49 PM

What Isabellathecrusader said...

Ralph.out.

Posted by: RalphInfidel at August 12, 2008 1:52 PM

Thanks Ralph. ; )

Posted by: Isabellathecrusader at August 12, 2008 2:09 PM

I guess the men can't buy bagels and donuts.

Probably haram because bagels are a Jewish {Little Satan} food and donuts are American {Big Satan}.

The two Satans put the holes in to tempt the believers.

Funny how "infidels" just consider these things as food.

islam is so creative..

Posted by: Ummah Gummah at August 12, 2008 2:47 PM

. . . Meanwhile, hostilities showed no signs of abating, as the rampage progressed even deeper into Cyberspace.

Posted by: John C at August 12, 2008 2:51 PM

Lace Kuwaiti style twist hijab, $15.00 US dollars

Suggestively shaped vegetables, $2.00 US dollars

Islamic moral enforcement, priceless.

Posted by: Bar at August 12, 2008 3:16 PM

Clean cucumber joke - one Hugh will approve of:

A man walks into a doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in left his ear, and a banana in his right ear and asks, "Doctor, what's the matter with me?" The doctor replies, "You are not eating properly."

Posted by: champ at August 12, 2008 3:38 PM

"Cucumbers broke Al-Qaeda's power in Iraq!"

Exactly. So my humble proposal for dealing with Iran is: Cukes for Nukes!

Posted by: sheik yer booty at August 12, 2008 4:16 PM

I guess a salad with cucumbers and tomatoes on a 'bed or lettuce' would be an orgy.

Posted by: Shawmut at August 12, 2008 5:10 PM

A man walks into a doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in left his ear, and a banana in his right ear and asks, "Doctor, what's the matter with me?" The doctor replies, "You are not eating properly."

ROFLM...

Champ, I am still cracking up and I can't breathe. Stop it!

How u, girlfriend?

Posted by: Isabellathecrusader at August 12, 2008 8:43 PM

The “offensive” vegetables in above example (cucumber, tomato) are - according to the science of botany - the female ripened reproductive parts of their respective “parent” plants.

Therefore – all vegetables (and fruits) should just be burka'd in public.

Posted by: TINBH at August 12, 2008 8:46 PM

Man, I hate being late to the party.

In the states, there is a joke about a man who owns a sports car, a Vette, Porsche, Ferrari, etc. It goes along the lines of big engine, little member. Well in islam instead of sports cars, unless one is an oil shiehk, it's the minurettes(sp?). But instead of compensating for one man, it compensates for an entire group of men.
*takes bite of pickle* Nothing sounds like a vlasic.lol

Posted by: Kevin at August 12, 2008 8:54 PM

Kevin,

Glad you could join us! This party will probably be going on for a while.

Come on in, have a beer, and help yourself to the veggie tray. LOL!

Posted by: Isabellathecrusader at August 12, 2008 9:08 PM

Hey, Isa! I'm good, Girlfriend, and you?! Glad you liked the cucumber joke! :-D

Here's another one:

A woman's vegetable garden is growing like mad, but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting pretty tired of it.

So she walks over to her neighbor's and asks, "Your tomatoes are always red, while mine are always green. How do you do it?"

Her neighbor says, "Well, this may sound absurd, but here's what you do. After dark, go out into your garden and take off all your clothes. When the tomatoes see you they'll get embarrassed and blush. Tomorrow they'll all be red, you'll see."

Well, what the heck, she figures. So she does it.

The next day her neighbor asks her how it went.

"So-so," she said, "The tomatoes are still green, but the cucumbers are all 4 inches longer."

(shhhh....don't tell Hugh)

Posted by: champ at August 12, 2008 10:01 PM

OH-MY-GOSH!!!!

I love it!

I'm fine, been super busy, fightin' jihad out in the field and working. I'm going to the beach day after tomorrow. Want to come with? Oh I know, you have the best beach in the world. (At least I think so. South Cal rocks!)

Too bad Naseem didn't behave herself otherwise she could have come along too.

Posted by: Isabellathecrusader at August 12, 2008 10:30 PM

Thanks, Isa!! I would love to join you at the beach; and since we've never met, here's last years beach photo, that way you'll know how to find me!

http://lh3.ggpht.com/_PtbS-_ZdybE/R_BYmTrBa5I/AAAAAAAAAYM/orwGq6rLTdM/crazy+cousins.jpg

I know, I know, the goggles are a bit much, but just say the word, and I will take them off, because I wouldn't want you to be embarrassed to be seen with me! :->

Posted by: champ at August 12, 2008 11:09 PM

Kinda reminds of that great movie Beeltejuice, wherein Beetlejuice declares:

"I've seen the Exorcist 167 times and it keeps getting funnier!

Ditto for the KKKoran. Is-lame, be gone!

P.S. Anyone have any information about how much of the Olympics are being censored in these "enlightened" countries? You know, all those fine competitions of men's/women's gymnastics, swimming, and diving?

Oh, the horror!!!

Posted by: boneshack at August 13, 2008 12:09 AM

Not to harp on the Olympics, but an added note to the above. My sincerest congratulations to those wonderful muslim countries, such as Saudi Arabia and Jordon for racking up all those gold medals in...

uh, someone help me here...

As of this timestamp: Olympic Totals

Posted by: boneshack at August 13, 2008 12:21 AM

Hey there, Boneshack! Islam takes the Gold in the Religious Cult Competition, and I think they will bring home the Silver and Bronze as well. They can't be beat, that's for sure!

Posted by: champ at August 13, 2008 12:40 AM

boneshack: I love Bettlegeuse. It's Keaton's best role. Also, nothing remotely as funny could ever be produced in the Islamic world. Come to think of it, nothing I know of that's funny (intentionally) is produced in that morbid world. After all, we have to take that enlightened thinker, the Ayatollah Khomeini, at his word when he asserted (before he went to the 72 virgins, etc.) that there is no time for humor in Islam. Yet again a Muslim condemns the Islamic world out of his own mouth. Now that's funny.

Posted by: Wellington at August 13, 2008 12:44 AM

One of the best laughs I've had all day! Thank you. This could go very far couldn't it? Think of all those fruit and veggie shapes out there in the world. What if they start outlawing shapes of other things? Buildings, animals,oil drills, faces, noses. It's endless.

Posted by: charlie at August 13, 2008 12:56 AM

Maybe they will execute each other into oblivion because they are all dickheads!

Posted by: charlie at August 13, 2008 1:09 AM

Wellington, Champ, and Charlie,

Funny coincidence, that I was reading a new essay at Islam-Watch about a relevant subject.

Ya'll just gotta read this extremely sarcastic description of why zombie men/boys blow themselves up for Jannah:

Why Young Muslims Blow themselves up for Paradise

Michael Keaton is funny. I really love that line.

Posted by: boneshack at August 13, 2008 1:29 AM

Thanks Boneshack. I ran across that same article about 3 nights ago on a Google search that I initially titled "pedophile Mohammad." Ha Ha. I didn't get to read the comments you included in your link though. They were also very interesting. There's always at least one Muslim who says "Islam is a religion of peace." Maybe it should read "Islam is a religion of piece."

Posted by: charlie at August 13, 2008 1:58 AM

Charlie,

You'll find that many of the authors there will concur with the conclusion that Islam is the "Religion of Piece(s)".

Bare with the fractured English here and there, but there are many wonderful stories and essays there. Plus another huge gold mine of essays of why islam is not a religion. My favorites:

Who Authored the Qur'an

and

Islamic Stories Never Told Before

Read all 12 parts. Your whole perception of islam will be forever altered.

Posted by: boneshack at August 13, 2008 2:21 AM

anyone notice that the cucumber is double ended?..

Posted by: exsgtbrown at August 13, 2008 6:19 AM

Did anyone make sure that those cucumbers were nowhere near the tomatoes? You know, wouldn't want all the men to lose control of their libidos. I know I get aroused when I see those long, thick cucumbers nuzzling up to those plump, juicy, ripe red tomatoes. excuse me. *dripping* Sorry, had to take a cold shower. No wonder muslim men have "special friends."lol

And to think, that we as a nation cater to such losers, Geez. Patton and all those who died to protect this nation are rolling in their graves.

Posted by: Kevin at August 13, 2008 10:00 AM

Looks like we've reached the bottom of the pickle barrel--

That's All, Folks!

Posted by: John C at August 13, 2008 4:14 PM

. . . And finally tonight, credulous news reports that U.S. Army "psyc-ops" are dropping hundreds of printed tracts titled, "1001 Erotic Uses of Cucumbers" in an attempt to demoralize remaining pockets of Al-Qaida resistance in Iraq.

Posted by: John C at August 13, 2008 5:56 PM

Yeah John C, like Al-Qaeda didn't write that manual.

Posted by: Isabellathecrusader at August 13, 2008 9:30 PM

SILENCE! I keel you!

Posted by: John C at August 13, 2008 9:56 PM

Or is that, I peel you!

Posted by: Isabellathecrusader at August 13, 2008 9:58 PM

Hey, Isa! Did you catch my beach photo? Well, I must confess, it isn't really me, but it is good for a laugh, lol! :-)

Posted by: champ at August 13, 2008 10:11 PM

Hey Champ,

I couldn't open it. But I have a pretty good imagination. ; )

I'm sure you are adorable!

Posted by: Isabellathecrusader at August 13, 2008 10:29 PM

Oh, I'm sorry, it was such a funny picture of some gal in a homemade 'old fashioned' swimsuit that I found on "Goodgle Images", and she had a rubber ducky innertube around her waist. It was hilarious! The goggles she had on were the icing on the cake. Ah yes, your minds eye will have to do, lol!

Posted by: champ at August 13, 2008 10:33 PM

....oops....Google, not Goodgle...whatever! LOL!

Posted by: champ at August 13, 2008 10:41 PM

Peel?--shameless! A good Muslima wouldn't dare suggest such to a strange man! Infidel hussy! /sarc

Posted by: John C at August 13, 2008 11:04 PM

Peel?--shameless! A good Muslima wouldn't dare suggest such to a strange man! Infidel hussy! /sarc

Posted by: John C at August 13, 2008 11:05 PM

[Darn these wretched IHML tags!]

Posted by: John C at August 13, 2008 11:07 PM

(Grrrowwl, kufr babe!)

Posted by: John C at August 13, 2008 11:25 PM

Boneshack -- I have been reading "Stories Never Told Before" and it's very enlightening. I like the style of writing. I am in Part 4 - just about where there is a discussion of Mo's case of possible epilepsy or schzophrenia. I read a long time ago that in the days before modern medicine, people with either of those conditions were often either thought to be evil or divine. Now I wonder how our Mo ended up on the divine side for some? Could it be he murdered all those who thought he might be evil?

Posted by: charlie at August 14, 2008 1:05 AM