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An extreme Sharia Alert from Baghdad:
American commanders cite al-Qaida's severe brand of Islam, which is so extreme that in Baqouba, al-Qaida has warned street vendors not to place tomatoes beside cucumbers because the vegetables are different genders, Col. David Sutherland said.
From "Insurgents battling al-Qaida outside Baghdad, U.S. says," by Todd Pitman for The Associated Press (thanks to the Constantinopolitan Irredentist).
Posted by Robert at April 22, 2007 7:42 AM
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And we thought the Victorians were extreme for covering up curvy piano legs !
They had nothing on al-Qaida.
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at April 22, 2007 8:09 AM
D'oh !
And is Sudan, a man had to to marry a goat after he was caught having sex with it.
Posted by: Syndic Nuruodo at April 22, 2007 8:13 AM
If those clowns believe that kind of stuff we need to crank up the rumor mill and have some fun with their heads.
U.S MILITARY TRAINS FLYING PIGS IN MOJAVE DESERT!
EVIL EYE GOGGLES ISSUED TO ARMY RANGERS!
MIRACLE PILL CURES ISLAM!
Posted by: USBeast at April 22, 2007 8:18 AM
I love it. The insaner they are, the bigger the chance that Darwin will catch up with them. And the more opportunities we have to fuck with their minds.
Whatever happened with suggestions of pig lard containers on Israeli buses as a deterrent against muslim suicide bombers?
Let's think out of the box, implement the best ideas, and get them into a permanent state of frenzy. I know, I know, but I mean in such a state that it consumes their entire life, so they no longer even dream of messing with the infidel.
at April 22, 2007 9:03 AM
This is an all-time classic!
How about a third site, or at least a side-bar on DW/JW: Islamic Funnies.
We need a story like this for every depressingly daily story about the depredations of the Sons of Allah.
Posted by: Dane at April 22, 2007 9:05 AM
JIHADWATCH Webmaster,
In view of my post being deleted: was 'breeders' an unacceptable term? If so: I apologize - just curious.
at April 22, 2007 9:20 AM
Wow! What happens if oranges are placed beside
bananas? Or carrots with potatoes...The mind boggles with all these erotic veggies combining
to give Holy Warriors lewd thoughts before getting their mitts on 72 virgins.
at April 22, 2007 9:30 AM
Wait, wait.
What about after I slice the zucchini and chop the tomato. Oh wise imam--can I stir fry them both together?
Posted by: turn at April 22, 2007 9:42 AM
USBeast:
I seem to recall that we bombed the nazis with all sorts of provocative pictures.
Hooey--now we have photoshop!
Posted by: turn at April 22, 2007 9:48 AM
And what about the Melons? Can we still touch the melons?
Posted by: MadMom at April 22, 2007 10:19 AM
No sane person believes Muslims are that extreme in religion. The Jews are the real extremists and need to become moderates.
at April 22, 2007 10:25 AM
Now this whole 72 virgins / 72 raisins thing is starting to make sense to me.
Posted by: Kim Hartveld at April 22, 2007 10:26 AM
@MadMom
Touching the melons is OK, but stay away from the nuts.
Posted by: Kim Hartveld at April 22, 2007 10:29 AM
My God and these are the people who attacked us on 9/11?! Goes to show you, technology in the hands of neanderthals is indeed a volatile mix. Case in point: this and Muhammed Atta.
Posted by: wrathofasma at April 22, 2007 10:42 AM
That explains the bombings in the markets.
Posted by: KAOSKTRL at April 22, 2007 10:43 AM
This is not a surprise. Muslim men discovered the "male" cucumber by surfing internet pornography sites. They continue to surf internet porn, out of "religious duties" of course.
They also have seen "Animal House" too many times. Where else but in American movies of the fifties could they discover that a woman is refered to as a "tomato?"
Posted by: Pelayo at April 22, 2007 10:55 AM
No sane person believes Muslims are that extreme in religion. The Jews are the real extremists and need to become moderates.
Posted by: Abdullah
I never said I was sane Abdullah I know I'm crazy but not crazy enough to become moon god cult member that thinks a seventh century pedophile is the perfect man how about you than there are Muslims in the Middle East and Europe and the Americas that believe all women are inferior well last time I looked my sister was only a semester away from dual degrees in criminal justice and sociology inferior I don't think so or my wife who is associate degree in criminal justice and has most of her degree in meteorology yet the Koran( by the way next time I hear of a Muslim using the Bible for toilet paper I may use my Koran for the same purpose) and then there is those who beheaded those schoolgirls during Ramadan as a gift to āllha and then there is the religious police in Saudi Arabia to take rubber noses filled lead shot to women they consider to be inappropriately dressed or blowing at music stores because music is considered un-Islamic Abdullah when you get un-brainwashed and realize you are in a death cult hates everything and sees sex in everything as something to be hidden away
at April 22, 2007 11:11 AM
160,000 American troops are in Iraq, and $880 billion spent or committed, in order to bring "freedom" to "ordinary moms and dads" going to "ordinary vegetable stands" where "ordinary tomatoes" are kept well away from "ordinary cucumbers" in the "ordinary Muslim land" of "ordinary Iraq" in the "ordinary Middle East."
Posted by: Hugh at April 22, 2007 11:56 AM
Islam's young men are often sexually insane. Arab moms have this folk idea that if they pull on their little boy's penises it will make it bigger and make them 'manlier' so basically, and I have seen this in both Egypt and Syria - Arab moms masturbate even INFANTS till they are writhing in dry orgasm.
It is done with barely concealed sadism and the battered islamic moms seem to 'worship' and yet in some primordial way hate their sons.
Older men routinely sexually abuse boys and girls and the whole culture is perfaced with intense shame/honor/guilt complexes. Sex is brutal, domineering and fraught with violence.
Posted by: poetcomic1 at April 22, 2007 12:16 PM
imams are considering issuing a fatwah against life
Posted by: TINBH at April 22, 2007 12:56 PM
Sounds the Monty Python Brigade of Al-Qaeda.
"Hey you! Get that brazen banana away from those innocent little kumquats!
O' Vendor, I will behead your presumptuous pineapple if you do not move those perverted pickles looming lasciviously near that helpless, musky cantaloupe!"
Islam, the bad joke of humanity.
Posted by: profitsbeard at April 22, 2007 1:25 PM
Obviously these people need to spend more time watching cartoons. Then they would know that the most famous tomato in America is named Bob, and the most famous cucumber is named Larry.
Seriously, it's pumpkins that have to be kept away from the cucumbers. One year I made the mistake of planting them too close to each other in the garden. Yes, I know the books say they shouldn't cross pollinate, but I ended up with these strange orange-ish things that were green and watery inside.
I've never had a problem with tomatoes and cucumbers committing hanky panky. However, just yesterday I planted my tomatoes and cucumbers, and not being aware they were of different sexes, I planted them next to each other. I expect to know for certain in a few months the kind of reproductive behavior tomatoes and cucumbers engage in when they are in close proximity to each other.
Posted by: CJ at April 22, 2007 1:26 PM
I was laughing pretty hard, as I usually do at most of the crazy Islamic FundaMENTAList laws and fatwahs (when nobody is being tortured, beaten, humiliated, or killed -- the end result of most Islamic law, of course), but then became very angry, and I didn't know why. Then I read Hugh's post, and knew why I had become so angry after reading this story and the laughing was over.
at April 22, 2007 1:28 PM
You just can't make this stuff up.
I wonder if they know that flowers are all female - what are they going to do about that?
Posted by: veil416 at April 22, 2007 2:04 PM
" I wonder if they know that flowers are all female - what are they going to do about that?"
Keep the bees segregated !
The country folk all over the world know that bees and flowers need each other, i.e. they see it everyday in the countryside.
Posted by: allat at April 22, 2007 2:32 PM
Speaking of segregation, a muslim describes how it creates sex-crazed men in Saudi Arabia:
Posted by: Silvester at April 22, 2007 2:39 PM
Let me go out on a limb here and guess that the cucumber is male while the "tamaytah" is a chick.
Posted by: scaramouoche at April 22, 2007 3:41 PM
Since tomatos can't be beheaded, why not stone them? Just ogle all that 'blood' coming out of those tomatos.
Posted by: Infidel Pride at April 22, 2007 4:16 PM
Is a banana considered male?Can a banana be placed next to a strawberry, what about a blueberry? Would a pineapple be considered transexual? Sometimes melons are sliced in half. If a cantalope is sliced in half is it considered male or female? If vegatables and fruits of different genders are caught together should the female be consumed to restore "honor"? Islam is such a "complex" religion.
Posted by: Roxane at April 22, 2007 4:38 PM
Leaving aside fruits and veggies a moment...virtually all electrical connections are described as 'male' and 'female'. Pursuant to this logic then good 'slammis must NEVER use electricity, land-line telephones, computers, etc. ad finitum.
Posted by: turn at April 22, 2007 5:15 PM
Pity, I'd like to taste a tomumber or a cumato from this illicit relationship.
Posted by: JFGR at April 22, 2007 7:21 PM
"No sane person believes Muslims are that extreme in religion"
Here he goes again (and it's growing rather tedious): whenever a story that shows Islam to be barbaric or ridiculous appears,no matter how impeccable its source,his instant reaction is to claim it is not true. Because he thinks Mohammedanism is so wonderful,any fact that shows it clearly to be a bucket of ideological cow's manure must,automatically, be a fabrication. Abdullah looks at the world through Islamo-spectacles and expects us to do likewise.Doeshe really think this crass approach convinces anybody?
On another tack,the story reminds me of a typically bizarre piece of Islamic social history: apparently no cucumber was allowed into the seraglio of the Turkish Sultan until it had been chopped into thin slices.
Posted by: wallyUK at April 22, 2007 7:25 PM
Did Muhammad drive all the cucumbers from Arabia?
Posted by: Dane at April 22, 2007 7:47 PM
P.S.
http://nationalzoo.si.edu/Animals/ReptilesAmphibians/NewsEvents/irelandsnakes.cfm
Posted by: Dane at April 22, 2007 7:49 PM
I think the muslims could be right on this one. Vegetables do have gender. But it is foolish to try to keep them apart. That will only drive them into each other's arms.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/7594708@N03/469134231/
Posted by: jihadwatcher at April 22, 2007 8:04 PM
Papaya is definitely haram. Why? Slice in half lengthwise and see.
For other reasons, watermelons must also be considered haram. (Not iced ones though; sun-warmed ones.)
Posted by: unicorns62000 at April 22, 2007 8:31 PM
"virtually all electrical connections are described as 'male' and 'female'."
The plug is male, the outlet into which the plug is inserted is female: therefore, good Muslims should never plug anything in nor use any electrical appliances in general. On a related note, How many Muslims does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Posted by: remote_control at April 22, 2007 8:45 PM
Mohammed cleverly wanted to keep the sexes apart--especially young males away from natural sexual contact, so he could have a ready reservoir of angry young males eager to overwhelm hapless caravans to get at their females.
PSYCHOPATHIA SEXUALIS ISLAMIYYA
Posted by: unicorns62000 at April 22, 2007 8:54 PM
Congratulations JihadWatch commenters, Abdullah the Troll made one comment at 10:25 AM; there has been only one reply to his "comment" since then. Keep up the good work.
Notice that Abdullah has not been back. Ingore the little porcupine quill and he will go away.
Posted by: Pelayo at April 22, 2007 9:26 PM
How many Muslims does it take to screw in a light bulb? Posted by: remote_controlOne.
at April 22, 2007 10:06 PM
In a related story, Al Qaida announces haram cucumbers are limited to baby dills.
Posted by: pez at April 22, 2007 10:45 PM
Just one more pelayo
No sane person believes Muslims are that extreme in religion. The Jews are the real extremists and need to become moderates.
Posted by: Abdullah
Are you really Borat, Abdullah?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UpS38AjRQMU&mode=related&search=
at April 22, 2007 11:57 PM
I read a ridiculous story once on an islamic website about a woman who opened a can of tomatoes, poured them into a bowl, glanced inside the can and lo and behold, there was an image of the prophet in the bottom of the empty can! This benighted muslim happened to have her trusty Polaroid nearby and shot instant photos for posterity before the miraculous image oozed into pink, watery slime. The empty can and the tomatoes became holy relics, although I don't know how they decided to preserve the tomatoes.
Only a muslim could endow vegetables with sexuality and accuse them of illicit relations. Ripe vegetables are full of seeds or offspring, but I've never seen seeds engage in sex. I wonder how that works. I'll have to ask a muslim or look it up in the qur'an. It is probably one of the qur'an's scientific mysteries, like the earth is flat and the sun sets in a muddy pond.
Posted by: Susanp at April 23, 2007 12:03 AM
We need a story like this for every depressingly daily story about the depredations of the Sons of Allah.
Posted by: Dane
-------------------------------------------------
Actually, this is still kind of depressing, think about it, is the man who ordered the vegetables not to place tomatoes beside cucumbers so brainwashed, or was he just trying to intimidate them (the Iraqis).
Maybe they're (AlQaeda in Iraq) so drunk on power that they would enforce any damn law that comes to mind.
at April 23, 2007 12:41 AM
Could it be because tomatos and cucumbers are both fruits?
tomatos were declared to be a fruit by the U.S. supreme court. cucumbers are a first cousin to the watermelon.
at April 23, 2007 12:54 AM
Call the imam, it's a friggin' fruit salad!
A new school of Islamic Vegetative Jurisprudence will be opening next September in Cairo to codify the sexes of all fruits and veggies.
-O' perspicacious Mullah, is the Golden Passionfruit male or female?
-Throw a veil over that globular hussy! (controls his hyperventilating to add:) However, her purple, shrivelled southern cousin is assuredly a guy.
-O' assiduous Mullah, how about the Sapodilla? Man or woman fruit?
-He is fuzzy and wrinkly like Mohammad's own trusty dependents.
-O' venerable Mullah, is Jerusalam Artichoke male or female?
(Sound of gunfire and splattering vegetable matter.)
-Neither, -it is a scheming tuberous Zionist dog!
(I can't wait for the tutti-fruiti fatwas.)
Posted by: profitsbeard at April 23, 2007 1:04 AM
Q. What is the difference between a male and a female tomato?
From Peggy Trowbridge Filippone,
Your Guide to Home Cooking.
FREE Newsletter. Sign Up Now!
What is the difference between a male and a female tomato?
A. My grandmother used to swear she could tell a male from a female tomato, thinking one is more sweet and with more or less seeds. Well, she was partially right. Truth be told, there's no such thing as a boy or girl tomato.
Tomatoes are botanically perfect, meaning they can self-pollinate. However, a large scar on the blossom end can indicate less seeds, but this is simply due to retarded development of the fruit under less than desirable conditions.
Size has nothing to do with sweetness or seed content.
Posted by: Joe Schmoe USA at April 23, 2007 3:58 AM
Size has nothing to do with sweetness or seed content.
Posted by: Joe Schmoe USA
And I thought size mattered.....
Posted by: Jihadtobejoking at April 23, 2007 7:46 AM
Abdullah wrote:
No sane person believes Muslims are that extreme in religion. The Jews are the real extremists and need to become moderates.
The favorite Muslim strategy: blame the Jews for all of Islam's failures. You should probably save your pathetic, transparent taqiya for leftist websites, slave of Allah. This is JihadWatch---we know who we're dealing with.
Posted by: US_infidel at April 23, 2007 10:48 AM
Naseem...?
Posted by: MP at April 23, 2007 12:55 PM
I think my onions are gay..
Posted by: payingattention at April 23, 2007 1:19 PM
oh because they are sprouting at each other.
Forgot that bit.
at April 23, 2007 1:24 PM
Ha ha - glad you're payingattention.
Posted by: A_Plague_on_Both_Houses at April 23, 2007 2:11 PM
I would laugh if this was not serious- The religion of peace!! ho hum
Posted by: eaglecap at April 23, 2007 2:13 PM
I now understand how we get cabbage patch babies.
Just chuck this story as another Islamic contribution to science.
Posted by: ProudDhimmi at April 23, 2007 3:34 PM
I forgot to add...
Hopefully, they will soon publish a list of which vegetable is male and female. Researchers can then investigate the cause of homo and heterosexuality.
My hypothesis is that homosexuals eat too many male veggies and not enough female veggies; lesbians, it's the other way around; heterosexuals eat 50-50, while asexuals avoid veggies altogether.
Posted by: ProudDhimmi at April 23, 2007 3:41 PM
The muslims are obsessed with sex for sure.
Posted by: callmeinfidel at April 23, 2007 4:46 PM
Maybe al queda is jealous of cucumbers. Just a thought.
Posted by: callmeinfidel at April 23, 2007 4:49 PM
Tomatoes are female? So they must be hijabed or niqabed before they're kebabed?
So each cucumber can be served with up to four tomatoes?
So single tomatoes can be displayed only with related male fruits?
Have, God forbid, any vegetable and fruit stands been targeted by a martyrdom operation?
Posted by: Chatillon at April 23, 2007 5:33 PM
Does this mean that we can expect to see Muslim checkout clerks in Minnesotastan refusing to touch or scan frozen mixed vegetables at the supermarkets?
Posted by: never_submit at April 23, 2007 5:37 PM
perhaps there was one large cucumber with two red tomatoes at one end of it.
Posted by: Adrian at April 24, 2007 10:04 AM
Islam produces retarded people in the truest meaning of the term.
Posted by: A_Plague_on_Both_Houses at April 24, 2007 10:05 AM
THIS IS NOT FUNNY!
This is serious...
See for yourself:
http://www.utterpants.co.uk/news/sex/sexyveg.html
Posted by: Ynkedoodl2 at April 24, 2007 1:23 PM
For more on tomatoes, visit www.newenglishreview.org, and scroll down until you find an article by Georges Perec on tomatoes and sopranoes. Or you can retrieve the piece by googling "newenglishreview" and "Georges Perec" and "Hugh Fitzgerald."
Posted by: Hugh at April 25, 2007 12:33 PM
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