Last night was the biggest night of the year here in Secure Undisclosed Locationville: the world’s glitterati gathered at the Jihad Watch Freedom Towers for our annual Jihad Watch Awards banquet. And let me tell you, friends, seldom has there been a red carpet that featured more beautiful people, more glitz, more glamor, more limos, more hummers, more armored vehicles! That’s right, they all turned out: Sydney Greenstreet! Peter Lorre! Butterfly McQueen! Mary Livingstone! Zeppo Marx!
The flashbulbs are popping. Everyone is leaning right, anxious to see the winners arrive. And now the triumphant moment has come. The crowd is hushed. Raymond, Hugh and I, decked out in our trademark matching powder blue tuxes, wait on the dais with Marisol, who looks stunning in a beaded gown from Givenchy — or was it DaVinci? And here they come.
The American Dhimmi of the Year 2008…JIMMY CARTER!!
Carter, looking a bit purple and green, slithers to the podium to accept his Cringing Dhimmi statuette. His acceptance remarks are brief: “Let me just say, mah fellow Americans, that I am very proud that y’all have elected me to this third term, and in closing, Death to Israel!”
Dhimmi Internationale 2008…ROWAN WILLIAMS!!
The Archbishop of Canterbury comes forward in full regalia — but what’s this? In honor of his call for Sharia law for Muslims in Britain, Williams has brought with him several members of the British Muslim community. And they’re — they’re — yes, that’s right! They’re fitting him with the cloth belt, the zunnar, that dhimmis wore in some of the great Islamic empires of the past to make sure they were not mistaken for Muslims and greeted with “Peace be upon you”! And now — what’s he doing? He’s taking out his billfold! He’s — he’s paying the jizya! And they’re graciously accepting his payment with the ritual slap on the back of the neck as specified by the Islamic scholar Zamakhshari!
A murmur goes through the crowd. Such a moving ceremony has seldom been witnessed in the modern age. There are few dry eyes in the house.
And now comes the best part: the heroes of our age, the people who are standing in the breach, the catchers in the rye, the ones to whom we will owe our thanks if we make it through this thing:
Anti-Dhimmi Internationale 2008…GEERT WILDERS!!
Wilders, tall, unbowed, indomitable, comes forward to accept his Anti-Dhimmi statuette. His remarks were similar to the ones he made here.
The American Anti-Dhimmi of the Year 2008…MARK STEYN!!
A voice pipes up from the crowd. “But Steyn ain’t American! What’s he doing winning this thing two years running?” There was a tense moment when Pamela Geller stood up and asked to see Steyn’s birth certificate — that’s when I explained that all U.S. residents were eligible for the Award. Then Steyn spoke in this vein.
Congratulations to all the winners! I blow you all kisses! Thank you for coming! Enjoy the drinks and the dancing!
Cartoon by the nonpareil Dave Washburn.