What fun this will be!
I look forward to visiting the Apes and Pigs Pavilion, where Allah transforms disobedient Jews into those despised animals: “And well you know there were those among you [Jews] that transgressed the Sabbath, and We said to them, ‘Be you apes, miserably slinking!'” (Qur’an 2:65). “Say: ‘People of the Book, do you blame us for any other cause than that we believe in Allah, and what has been sent down to us, and what was sent down before, and that most of you are ungodly?’ Say: ‘Shall I tell you of a recompense with Allah, worse than that? Whomsoever Allah has cursed, and with whom He is wroth, and made some of them apes and swine, and worshippers of idols — they are worse situated, and have gone further astray from the right way.'” (Qur’an 5:59-60)
From there we can go on to the “Pretend to Be Friends to Infidels Pool,” where we can dive in and enjoy the warm water of a friendship and alliance that our Muslim friends entered into in order to protect themselves from us: “Let not the believers take the unbelievers for friends, rather than the believers — for whoso does that belongs not to Allah in anything — unless you have a fear of them.” (Qur’an 3:28)
After that, we’ll dry off and head over to the games. We can start with the Terror Toss. First one to cast terror into the hearts of the unbelievers wins a plush teddy bear: “We will cast into the hearts of the unbelievers terror, for that they have associated with Allah that for which He sent down never authority; their lodging shall be the Fire; evil is the lodging of the evildoers.” (Qur’an 3:151)
Then grab your tongs and Snag A Sex Slave! First one to pull three topless Barbie dolls out of the glass case can turn them in at the Main Office for your very own full-size (nine years old and up) real-life captive that your right hand possesses! “If you fear that you will not act justly towards the orphans, marry such women as seem good to you, two, three, four; but if you fear you will not be equitable, then only one, or what your right hands own; so it is likelier you will not be partial.” (Qur’an 4:3)
If you’re not happy with her, you can turn her in at the Beating Booth, where you can administer Islamic justice on her: “Righteous women are therefore obedient, guarding the secret for Allah’s guarding. And those you fear may be rebellious admonish; banish them to their couches, and beat them. If they then obey you, look not for any way against them; Allah is All-high, All-great.” (Qur’an 4:34)
And if that doesn’t slake your thirst for righteousness, head over to Uraina Field, where you can join in a rousing game of Chase the Apostate. First one who catches him, well, you know what to do! “They wish that you should disbelieve as they disbelieve, and then you would be equal; therefore take not to yourselves friends of them, until they emigrate in the way of Allah; then, if they turn their backs, take them, and slay them wherever you find them; take not to yourselves any one of them as friend or helper.” (Qur’an 4:89)
Still eager to set the world right? I don’t blame you! Let’s head over to Chop ’em Circle, where we can take care of those who dare to “fight against Allah and his messenger”: “This is the recompense of those who fight against Allah and His Messenger, and hasten about the earth, to do corruption there: they shall be slaughtered, or crucified, or their hands and feet shall alternately be struck off; or they shall be banished from the land. That is a degradation for them in this world; and in the world to come awaits them a mighty chastisement.” (Qur’an 5:33) Oh, and thieves, too: “And the thief, male and female: cut off the hands of both, as a recompense for what they have earned, and a punishment exemplary from Allah; Allah is All-mighty, All-wise.” (Qur’an 5:38)
Then comes the crown and center of the theme park, Jihad Jamboree, where all paying (and praying) attendees over the age of 18 are issued swords and scimitars. Idolaters and People of the Book are bussed in especially for the occasion. But those crafty devils will be hiding (be sure to listen to the trees; they talk here, just like in Lord of the Rings!), so your work will be cut out for you before you can do any cutting of your own: “Then, when the sacred months are drawn away, slay the idolaters wherever you find them, and take them, and confine them, and lie in wait for them at every place of ambush. But if they repent, and perform the prayer, and pay the alms, then let them go their way; Allah is All-forgiving, All-compassionate.” (Qur’an 9:5) “When you meet the unbelievers, smite their necks, then, when you have made wide slaughter among them, tie fast the bonds; then set them free, either by grace or ransom, till the war lays down its loads…” (Qur’an 47:4)
Kids will enjoy collecting the jizya from the subjugated People of the Book: “Fight those who believe not in Allah and the Last Day and do not forbid what Allah and His Messenger have forbidden — such men as practise not the religion of truth, being of those who have been given the Book — until they pay the tribute out of hand and have been humbled.” (Qur’an 9:29)
Qur’an Theme Park: it’s the best theme park in the world, because the reward is Paradise! “Allah has bought from the believers their selves and their possessions against the gift of Paradise; they fight in the way of Allah; they kill, and are killed…” (Qur’an 9:111)
And remember: if you meet any Infidels while browsing through the Qur’anic flora and fauna, you know how to act: “Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah, and those who are with him are hard against the unbelievers, merciful one to another.” (Qur’an 48:29)
Qur’an Theme Park: it’s nonstop fun for the whole family! There’s just one catch: you can’t leave.
“Dubai Holy Qur’an Park project in progress,” from Zawya, January 26:
Eng. Hussain Nasser Lootah, Director General of Dubai Municipality stated that the General Projects Department of Dubai Municipality commenced the third stage of the unique Holy Qur’an Park which is expected to be completed by September 2015 at an estimated cost of Dhs 26mn.
Having reviewed the progress of project, Lootah urged all parties involved to speed up the works in order to complete the project on time. ‘Holy Quran park is one of the prestigious project of the civic body and not only the UAE, but also the entire tourist world is waiting to visit the park without patience,’ he said.
He said the project was announced on the occasion of celebrating the 1000th meeting of the technical committee of Dubai Municipality , held in the beginning of 2013.
‘The first stage of leveling was done using the construction wastes and other reusable waste materials saving Dhs 12mn of the cost. In the second stage, planting of 32 hectors and other facilities have been finished,’ he said.
‘The park located in Al Khawaneej area has been specially designed in the Islamic perspective to introduce the miracles of Quran through a variety of surprises for the visitors,’ he added.
Eng. Mohamed Noor Mashroom, Director of General Projects Department said the park in 64 hectors will include all available plants mentioned in the holy Qur’an along with facilities such as attractive main entrance, administration building, Islamic garden, children’s play areas, Umrah corner, outside theatre, areas for miracles of the Qur’an, fountains, bathrooms, glass building, desert garden, palm oasis, lake, running track, cycling track and sandy walking track.
‘The plants mentioned in Qur’an are 54 items that include fig, pomegranate, olive, corn, leek, garlic, onion, lentil, barley, wheat, ginger, pumpkin, watermelon, tamarind, seder [sic!], vineyards, bananas, cucumbers, basil …etc. Planting of total 31 items of these plants are already completed and the remaining 20 items will be planted in the third stage, while three plants are not available on the earth,’ Mashroom said.
‘A glass building will accommodate 15 items of plants and other items are being planted in different gardens specified for each item. These plants are expected to incite the visitors to think about the reason behind mentioning its names in the Qur’an,’ he said.
‘The area allocated for the miracles of Qur’an will include an air conditioned tunnel to show miracles and stories of the Holy book,’ he explained.
‘A lake in the middle of the park will give a look and real feeling of an oasis surrounded by fascinating trees and sands for the visitors,’ he added.