WASHINGTON, DC PARODY CENTRAL, February 23 — Researchers at the Prince Alwaleed bin Talal Center for Muslim-Christian Understanding announced Monday that they had perfected a new vaccine for Islamophobia and submitted it for FDA approval. After that approval is granted, the vaccine is expected to be mass-marketed in early 2015.
John Esposito, director of the Saudi-funded Center, announced at a press conference unveiling the vaccine: “The vaccine comes in handy sugar cube form. So when your bigoted, hateful uncle starts mouthing off at Christmas dinner about the need to resist Islamic jihad, just offer to sweeten up his tea — and presto! In no time he’ll be subscribing to Aslan Media!”
Nihad Awad, Director of the Hamas-linked Council on American-Islamic Relations, said in a statement: “CAIR applauds the new Islamophobia vaccine. We have tested it in a clinical trial on some of the nation’s greasiest Islamophobes. We gave the subjects the vaccine, then showed them footage of Islamic jihad attacks, complete with the jihadis brandishing Qur’ans and rifles and screaming ‘Allahu akbar’ as they torched churches and beheaded non-Muslims. The results were immediate and immensely gratifying.”
Corey Saylor, Hamas-linked CAIR’s Director of Hounding Counter-Jihadists and Stirring Up “Islamophobia” Hysteria, elaborated: “Instead of calling for resistance to jihad terror, and the monitoring of mosques, and programs in those mosques to teach against jihad violence and the interpretation of Islamic texts and teachings that jihadis use to justify that violence, once the vaccine kicked in these former greasy Islamophobes began saying very different things. They’d see these jihad attacks and say things like, ‘I fear there will be a backlash against innocent Muslims,’ and ‘We need to address the poverty and inequality that gives rise to the resentments that fuel attacks like these.’ Best of all, some of them even started saying, ‘We need to send money to CAIR so they can buy more billboards saying that jihad is romping through the daisies. That’s the Islamic reform we need!'”
Reza Aslan of Aslan Media declared: “I’m an expert on the new Islamophobia drug. I have a Ph.D. in it. I had a big hand in its development, in fact. I was present when we made participants at clinical trials, all seriously greasy Islamophobes, spit at and trample upon photos of those Islamophobic f**ks Pamela Geller and Robert Spencer. I knew then that the vaccine was a success.”
Ibrahim Hooper, Hamas-linked CAIR’s Director of Taqiyya Advancement, added: “The big breakthrough came when CAIR researchers discovered that we could equate honest investigation of how jihadis use Islamic teachings to justify violence and supremacism with attacks on innocent Muslims, and classify both as ‘Islamophobia,’ a clinical disorder. After that, it was only a matter of time before our researchers would develop an antidote. Part LSD, part valium, part cannibis sativa, our new Islamophobia vaccine’s full recipe is as closely guarded secret as the recipe for Coca-Cola. But one thing we can reveal: this vaccine makes you feel very, very good. We think it could challenge Ecstasy as the new party drug. After all, what other drug makes you stop worrying and love the jihad?”