This is right on the money, as there is no significant Western-oriented or pluralist force among the Syrian rebels. Even the New York Times acknowledged this, over a year ago: “Nowhere in rebel-controlled Syria is there a secular fighting force to speak of.” (New York Times, April 28, 2013)
“Moderate Syrian Rebel Application Form,” by Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker, June 27, 2014:
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After announcing, on Thursday, that it would seek $500 million to help “train and equip appropriately vetted elements of the moderate Syrian armed opposition,” the White House today posted the following Moderate Syrian Rebel Application Form:
Welcome to the United States’ Moderate Syrian Rebel Vetting Process. To see if you qualify for $500 million in American weapons, please choose an answer to the following questions:
As a Syrian rebel, I think the word or phrase that best describes me is:
A) Moderate
B) Very moderate
C) Crazy moderate
D) OtherI became a Syrian rebel because I believe in:
A) Truth
B) Justice
C) The American Way
D) Creating an Islamic caliphateIf I were given a highly lethal automatic weapon by the United States, I would:
A) Only kill exactly the people that the United States wanted me to kill
B) Try to kill the right people, with the caveat that I have never used an automatic weapon before
C) Kill people only after submitting them to a rigorous vetting process
D) Immediately let the weapon fall into the wrong handsI have previously received weapons from:
A) Al Qaeda
B) The Taliban
C) North Korea
D) I did not receive weapons from any of them because after they vetted me I was deemed way too moderateI consider ISIS:
A) An existential threat to Iraq
B) An existential threat to Syria
C) An existential threat to Iraq and Syria
D) The people who will pick up my American weapon after I drop it and run away
Read the rest here.
John C. Barile says
I answered “D” to all of the above questions Now can I have some of that $500 million? Marketable goods and hardware are also agreeable.
John C. Barile says
Biting wit and delicious sarcasm.
This should be circulated among the corridors of power here in the United States, within the halls of Congress.
BW022 says
The US is beyond stupid.
Let’s assume that there were moderates and the US could somehow tell who was a moderate. Why is that a reason to give them weapons or aid?
What are the ‘moderates’ going to do with the weapon? Use them against the Asad government. Great. Then what? Doesn’t that simply help the Jihadists gain power, quicker, and with fewer loses? Won’t all those weapons either fall into the hands of those who take over or else end up being used against the Jihadists is another civil war?
You’d think after the 1980s Afghanistan the US would have learned. The only foreign policy should be: “Anyone but the jihadists.”
The US should give aid to the Syrian government and let them keep fighting. If the jihadists win… at least they will have used up as much lives, weaponry, and resources as possible. They will be less of a threat to Jordan, Lebanon, and Isreal. Otherwise… just stay out of it.
umbra says
No US aid to islamic jihadists or assad. While Assad has the heavy backing of iran and Russia, his government will not fall. The best option is to stay out of this mess in syria and run interference on the supply lines of jihadist forces. Dry up their supplies and assad with co. will take care of business eventually.
White Hunter says
Assad is smart enough to know what happens to every strongman who yields to demands that he be more “moderate,” hold an “election,” and allow “the people” to “have a voice in government,” instead of crushing a rebellion in its cradle.
After all, he’s no doubt heard of Czar Nicholas II, the shah of Iran, Pinochet, and Hosni Mubarak.
And whatever else Assad may be, he’s not stupid, and doesn’t have a death wish–no matter how much arm-twisting Obama, Kerry, and the rest of our fools may apply to try to persuade him to “do the right thing, step down, and invite the opposition into his government.”
Bassam says
I am Syrian and need any money to help me survive. I do not wish to kill or be killed, nor do I wish to hurt any one. Can I have some of this money? Thank you
John C. Barile says
I pray to Almighty God that you do survive, Bassam! And I pray that you find refuge and thrive. May God’s Mercy and Salvation be yours.
pdxnag says
http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/2014/06/moderate-syrian-rebel-application-form.html
The link had some stray stuff at the end
Jay Boo says
Already been down that road—
The Obama admin managed to temporarily rebrand the Muslim Brotherhood with the help of a BBC/NPR sales pitch and it now proposes to put some make-up on a New & Improved ‘Moderate Syrian Rebel / Free Syrian Army.
mortimer says
There is no divergence among Muslims about SUPREMACISM…the only controversy is the HURRY with which they pursue it.
Once SUPREMACISM of the RIGHT KIND of Islam is imposed, it cannot be reversed! That would be treason punishable by DEATH!
ALL MUSLIMS are SUPREMACISTS!
Aton says
Nice. I wrote a sarcastic article to UK newspapers, but this is better still.
Nice to see that some of the mainstream media are finally catching on to the fact that there ARE NO MODERATES in Islam.
Aton
Aton says
And even if there were moderates in Islam, that would not matter on jot.
Did ordinary Crusaders complain, when the Templars rode to the rescue during a difficult battle?
Did moderate Germans complain when the S.S. rode to the rescue during a difficult battle?
Does anyone really think that ordinary Sunni Muslims will complain, when ISIS ride to the rescue during a difficult battle?
Does anyone really think that Hussain Obama’s “moderate weaponry” will not be given to ISIS, so that they can ride to the rescue during a difficult battle?
Aton
voegelinian says
Good analogies — except the Crusader one. Comparing the Crusades to the Nazis is grotesque.
duh_swami says
Treason shared by many becomes a future Nuremberg trial. Figuring out clever ways to give aid and comfort to the enemy is still treason…
Robert Wagner says
Do you recall all the money and arms we sent to the Joe Stalin in WWII? Do you recall all of the money and arms we gave to the Taliban during the war between Afghanistan and the USSR? What happened after the conflicts? They turned around and used it against us.
The Los Angeles Times in today’s paper has a story about ISIS using American Arms captured from the Iraqis.
Don’t you think that the same thing will happen to anything we give to the Syrian conflict. They’ll sure as shooten use it against America.
voegelinian says
It’s encouraging that this relatively Islamo-literate satire emanates from The New Yorker.
dumbledoresarmy says
ROFLMAO.
This one’s a keeper.
Bookmarked, in my “Comedy and Humour” file.
Chalk up two to the New Yorker. (The first was when they published Steve Martin’s “72 Virgins”, which for anyone who missed it the first time round, see here (I hope the link works)
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2007/01/29/070129sh_shouts_martin
If they keep this up they might even qualify for an Anti-Dhimmi Award.