How would we know how to live if they didn’t tell us? My latest in PJ Media:
The New York Times is not just the Paper of Record. It is, among so very many other things, the adjudicator of acceptable opinion, the arbiter of style, and the guide for the perplexed. It was thus with humble gratitude that males, all of whom are prostrate betas before the Times’ grand alpha, received the article that appeared last week in the Men’s Style/Self-Help section: “27 Ways to Be a Modern Man.”
How would we know, if the New York Times didn’t tell us?
Brian Lombardi, the Times’ appointed oracle on what makes a Modern Man, is as gnomic and enigmatic as any of his Delphic predecessors. He tells us, for example, that “the modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.” My best guess as to what this could possibly mean is that it is a reference to the Wu-Tang Clan, which, I am informed, is “an American hip hop group from New York City, originally composed of East Coast rappers RZA, GZA, Method Man, Raekwon, Ghostface Killah, Inspectah Deck, U-God, Masta Killa, Cappadonna, and the late Ol’ Dirty Bastard.”
That’s right: “the late Ol’ Dirty Bastard.” There are plenty of us still alive, but never mind. Brian Lombardi’s epigrammatic utterances include no explanation of why modern man must consult Wu-Tang weekly. There is no why. One does not question the oracle.
But then, there is this:
The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.
Very well, but also:
The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.
If Modern Man must never own a gun, that’s his choice. But he “has no use” for one? What if the intruder who storms his bedroom is too strong for Modern Man to fight off unarmed? What if the intruder has a knife — or is even so much of an Antiquated Man as to have a gun?
What can Modern Man do then? Reach for the melon baller that Lombardi advises he use to make sure “the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves” are “uniformly shaped”?
A clue as to how all this sage advice hangs together comes in the oracle’s penultimate utterance:
The modern man cries. He cries often.
Perhaps the Modern Man is so given to such displays because the intruder was indeed armed, and Modern Man wasn’t, and Modern Man’s wife had no chance to get away.
That possibility, however, almost certainly didn’t occur to Brian Lombardi or his New York Times editors. They no doubt agree: “the Modern Man has no use for a gun.” Barack Obama and John Kerry are quintessential examples of this Modern Man. They live in a world where all people are rational, gentle, peace-loving, and concerned about saving the planet and sharing her resources. That includes the Ayatollah Khamenei and Hassan Rouhani. Hell, it includes Kim Jong-un and Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.
(Pictured: Al-Baghdadi and his … selfie stick? Anyone know what that thing is?)
Brian Lombardi could have added a 28th characteristic of the Modern Man: “the Modern Man assumes that everyone he ever encounters in any situation, no matter how threatening, irrational, or actively violent, is also a Modern Man.” There is, in other words, no one who cannot be talked to, no one who cannot be negotiated with, no one who doesn’t prize Peace above all things, and no one who isn’t willing to make concessions and receive them in turn, in order to bring about and preserve that Peace….
Read the rest here.


katnis says
AWESOME write up here! I was disgusted by the modern man article. I shared it with a few people. The commenters on JW called out some of the same details you mentioned.
Seriously… Wu-Tang clan? The mellon baller? You have GOT to be kidding me. The clueless author has his head in his Gucci bag (with his bright red Beats by Dre headphones, listening to Wu-Tang, and crying as he ponders the glory of his shiny little mellon baller.)
jihad3tracker says
I read a post about this Lombardi article when it first was published, and wondered if it was satire. Have not followed any commentary in the NYT — if they permitted it. More important things for me to do, like getting the lint off my silk pajamas and trying to revive interest in the Village People’s groundbreaking music.
Katnis says
Right right. I wondered that too: Is this satire? I don’t have a strong opinion on the NYT, as it’s not on my reading list. But the whole “doesn’t have a gun” but “wants to protect family” in light of the whole “migration” fiasco is food for thought.
gravenimage says
Jihad3tracker and Katnis, I had also wondered if this piece was satire, it is so ridiculous–but if it was, it is a particularly deadpan example, and Brian Lombardi has certainly not indicated that it is such. And this article was in the Men’s Style” section. I think we must assume this vapid piece is meant seriously.
Huck Folder says
Modern man touches his toes
without bending his knees,
hands the intruder his shoehorn.
Angemon says
I consider that NYT article as being satire, or a spoof, a parody.
john spielman says
considering the source; the New York Slimes, I doubt it is satire. but even the stupidest libtard needs to know that in order for metrosexual men such as the above to wear their Gucci shoes and man purses, violent men(and now women)ie USMC, ARMY NAVY AND AIRFORCE, are standing guard over him to ensure his and his family’s safety,
Beagle says
It reads like click bait, trolling the Internet for negative responses, which are still profitable. Salon seems to exist for that purpose. But I think the author was serious.
Modern man, it turns out, is a lot like Carrie in Sex and the City. Who knew? (My wife made me watch it a couple times.)
Alarmed Pig Farmer says
Don’t lie to us, Beagle. Go on, admit it, Admit to us in full public rat here rat now that you were a regular watcher of Sex and the City and that you watched it alone and you cried when watching it. Often.
Jonathan says
Doesn’t it say something though that it is so difficult to say for sure?
Davegreybeard says
And then there’s General James N. Mattis:
“Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet.”
General Jim on crying:
“I come in peace. I didn’t bring artillery. But I’m pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you fuck with me, I’ll kill you all.”
General Jim on the joy of bringing world peace:
“ …there are some assholes in the world that just need to be shot. There are hunters and there are victims. By your discipline, cunning, obedience and alertness, you will decide if you are a hunter or a victim. It’s really a hell of a lot of fun. You’re gonna have a blast out here!”
gravenimage says
I believe there are more than hunters and victims, Dave. I like the metaphor of wolves, sheep–and sheepdogs, who protect the sheep against the wolves. You seem like a classic sheepdog–and we all know what category the hapless NYT “modern man” falls into…
Davegreybeard says
I suspect you are right in the sheep dog thing, graven. Seems I just can’t help myself.
And I really don’t consciously work at it, but I guess I do tend to be a real pain in the ass about Islam at times.
Most sheep really don’t like sheep dogs.
I was reminded again tonight at a wine party; “Oh god Dave are you bringing up Islam AGAIN? The last time you went on FOREVER about it!”
But I’ve got a marketing executive listening a little – what a catch it would be if I could convince him that his two young sons would be facing this enemy – which they will of course.
Sheep Dog’s life is not all roses, but as General Jim would say “Godamn it’s fun!”
God be with you graven, we need to meet again soon.
JIMJFOX says
Well said, Dave!
All of us trying to awaken the dhimmi hordes from their multi-culti slumber
face difficult and exasperating problems. Vast numbers of ostrich-imitators,
heads buried in the sands of denial [or up where the sun don’t shine]. BBC
watchers and Guardian readers [+ their USA equivalents] swallowing the
risible propaganda of Imam Obama, Mufti Cameron, Ayatollah Merkel et al.
It’s a tough job but someone has to do it. Keep on keepin’ on, Dave.
gravenimage says
Yeah–all too many sheep tend to either ignore the sheepdogs and take them for granted, or even find their presence annoying.
But they sure appreciate them when the wolves are at the cote.
Stay strong.
And yes–I’d like to get together again–I can show you the rough layout for my graphic novel about the vile “Prophet”.
Westman says
That NYT article is as stupid as bringing tears to a gunfight.
خَليفة says
Sounds like he is conducting a social experiment to test the influence of the media.
It is sad that once iconic media outlets have shifted from “informing” the public, to “dictating public behavior.”
One can argue this is an epitomical example of the corruptive power of money and influence from the left.
The Other Jim says
It’s mostly likely the author, (if real and not a woman writing under a pseudonym), did some trolling of the New York Times or the NYT’s did some clickbait trolling themselves. Still, I can see the NYT’s buying into this sort of view. After all they did bring us Jayson Blair, Paul Krugman, Thomas Friedman, Maureen Dowd, Walter Duranty, and Herb Matthews to name a few ne’er-do-well propagandists. So I can easily envision the NYT’s editors thinking this article is great advice.
Ernie says
Brian Lombardi is projecting , I assume .
Antonio Gutierrez says
…….cries often and bows down often too..
..
Kepha says
Sensitive new age guys–they’re just like women!
gravenimage says
I’m a woman, Kepha–and I’m nothing like this shallow, vapid, whining prat.
Davegreybeard says
Some sheep dogs are female.
One should watch as they work, they tend to be particularly focused and perseverant.
kepha says
My sincerest apologies to the sex that provided my mother, sister, beloved cousins, aunts, colleagues, friends, and my wife of 30+ years. I was remembering a song recorded by a female artist that I once heard while flipping radio channels in my car.
gravenimage says
No problem, Kepha–I knew what you meant. Be well.
Alarmed Pig Farmer says
The modern man cries. He cries often.
John Boehner was given to weeping jags himself, and he was supposed to be a conservative. It seems to be going around, catching. This is why I float my ass above the toilet seat when I’m taking a dump in a public restroom, something I hate to do in the first place because it’s a disgusting experience and kind of humiliating, which I’m modern and man enough to admit leaves me in the hovering squat sobbing at the whole sad scene. Often.
خَليفة says
“Hovering” is the new sitting. Good exercise for your quads too.
I ? Hovering
guymacher says
The modern boy would surely not be sleeping with a woman.
Bezelel says
Actually, I don’t need a gun. Cause I already have a few. he he
abad says
The New York Times is the most liberal newspaper in the USA.
IOW do NOT believe everything that you read in it.
Wellington says
Some have wondered on this thread, understandably, whether this Lombardi article is satire or meant seriously. In one respect, I would suggest that whichever it is is of secondary concern (though still worth figuring out) for the reason being that the modern Left has managed to do something which is not easy to do at all and that is become a caricature of itself most every time anymore it opens its aggregate, silly and destructive metaphorical mouth.
Yes, the modern Left has reached this risible level. Congratulations, modern Left, since you have taken absurdity to new “levels” (“depths” actually). Yes indeed, when it is difficult to figure out whether those you oppose are “somewhat” nuts or “completely” nuts, I suggest that at such a time reasonable minds can rightfully conclude that the world has become one of farce even more than one of tragedy, which arguably is evidence of the greatest tragedy of all since it tends to make all of life a joke rather than a noble struggle.
vlparker says
I believe that is an ancient weapon, Robert, long since obsolete, but much used in the bad old days.
gravenimage says
Brian Lombardi could have added a 28th characteristic of the Modern Man: “the Modern Man assumes that everyone he ever encounters in any situation, no matter how threatening, irrational, or actively violent, is also a Modern Man.”
……………………………..
I think this is the crux of the matter, Mr. Spencer–despite #16, where the “Modern Man” appears to have some fleeting memory that there might be some people in the world who are not perusing the NYT’s “Men’s Style” section.
And the only things the “Modern Man” is morally offended by are shallow points of style–whether someone dares request an off-brand soda or uses ‘macho’ slang.
Certainly, he does not appear offended that there are people in the world who would not just rob his apartment, but who would oppress and murder him and enslave his wife and children.
خَليفة says
Gravenimage, 28th characteristic …well said
gravenimage says
Thanks, خَليفة.
Doug says
The “Modern Man” would never even think of being how Chris Kyle’s dad instructed his boys (paraphrasing from “American Sniper”), “There are sheep, wolves, and sheepdogs in society, we don’t raise no sheep in this family and I’ll whip your ass if you become wolves. So being a sheepdog is the only option for you boys.
Basically, I garnered from this (I hope jocular write-up), that a “modern man” is a pussy that relies on those of us that AREN’T modern men for his defence.
nobody says
As do they all, Doug…
As do they all….
Doug says
8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.
So…those of us that are military or prior-military and call a helicopter a “helo” are gauche simpletons, huh?
Dave L says
This is the NY Times trying to bring back the Oxford Oath in the 21st Century.
gravenimage says
Interesting, Dave L–I am actually fairly knowledgeable about Britain in the years leading up to WWII, especially appeasement of the Fascist threat, yet I had never heard of the Oxford Oath. I had to look it up.
The Oxford Oath was derived from a resolution carried by students of the Oxford Union, by 275 votes to 153, on 9 February 1933 that “this House will in no circumstances fight for its King and Country”.
This disgusting pledge was taken ten days after Adolf Hitler came to power.
This pledge is worse than the usual run of denial over the nature of Fascism, where many people simply refused to believe that the Nazis were a threat. These students clearly recognized the threat, at least to some extent, and resolutely decided *not to oppose it*. This means they either agreed with the Fascists, or else were fine with cravenly caving to them.
Winston Churchill denounced the resolution as “that abject, squalid, shameless avowal”. He noted how this limp-wristed response contrasted with the fervor of German and Italian Fascist youth.
Really, this is a perfect parallel for what is happening today in much of the West…
The only ray of hope is in noting that 153 members of the Oxford Union *refused* to take this cowardly oath. These are the boys who would go on to defend England and save freedom in the West.
BC says
If listening to crap like hip hop and rap is necessary to be a ‘modern man’ I am happy to be a tarditional man, thanks. I prefer to listen to music not junk.
Mark A says
I wouldn’t know a Wu Tang Clan tune if I heard one, I don’t cry and I own guns.
Guess I’m not a “modern man” by the NYT definition, but I think I can live with that.