In a previous article, I compared how attending the mosque as a Muslim is different from attending the church as a Christian and went into detail about it, using my own experience.
Now I am going to reveal a secret about my family life because I want the world to read about the pain that closet ex-Muslims like me are enduring, and as time has gone on, I have felt that the readers of Jihad Watch are the only people who will understand and refrain from trying to absolve Islam, Muslim cultures and leftism from accountability.
I left Islam and converted to Christianity six years ago, and I’ve been in the closet ever since. This was a life-changing decision, and for all these years, I’ve kept this decision a secret from most people, including my family. I haven’t told my parents yet because I am not mentally and emotionally prepared to deal with the consequences because that will result in me getting disowned, kicked out and ostracized as a “traitor” from the entire family, including my extended family. There are also other potential consequences, such as violence and murder. This is definitely a possibility because I live in Britain, which has been subject to ongoing Islamisation. It is precisely this kind of Islamisation that led to Nissar Hussain, an ex-Muslim Christian, to being persecuted and nearly murdered by jihadis for leaving Islam to Christianity. Those savages nearly beat him to death, and the only thing that stopped Nissar from receiving the killing blow was the fact that his Polish neighbors luckily rescued him. As a Pakistani ex-Muslim Christian, I have much respect for Polish people and their culture, despite how divorced I am from them in terms of culture.
If my parents hypothetically found out about my secret right now, it would be an absolute disaster. It would also be a very traumatic scenario that would push me to the limits in what I can endure, and my self-preservation instincts are making me very resistant to coming out now. In the past several months, I have been contemplating the idea of openly declaring my real beliefs, but I just can’t get myself to do it.
Being a closet ex-Muslim Christian has been especially difficult when I moved cities a year after leaving Islam. I have no choice but to live a double life and put on a mask, because I am not ready to cope with the consequences. Being forced to pretend to be someone that I am not to avoid being persecuted has felt lonely, isolating and suffocating. I can’t find the words to fully describe how difficult it has been.
But that’s not the secret about my family life. Everything I’ve mentioned can already be rightfully suspected by anyone who has even a basic awareness of the cruelty of Muslims. So what is the secret? Well, before I get to it, I need to give some additional context.
My family life is abusive and dysfunctional. It has always been a source of pain for me before and after leaving Islam. I don’t have a happy relationship with any of my family members because most of them are abusive. My dad, in particular, is the worst, because he is a narcissist. His abusiveness made me suicidal twice. I first contemplated suicide when I was 12 years old. I contemplated suicide again when I was 18 years old. On both occasions, I wanted to end my life, mainly because my dad’s abusiveness made me feel like a worthless good-for-nothing that the world is better off without. In the first occasion I was suicidal, I was Muslim. In the second occasion I was suicidal, I was a Christian and I am still holding onto my faith.
There is much more that I can say about my dad and dysfunctional family life. If I wanted to, I could write a short book detailing his atrocities. But this isn’t the time and place for it. Jihad Watch is not all about me, I’m just one of many contributors to this site and I fear that I will compromise my identity if I give more away.
The secret about my family life is that I am not the only ex-Muslim in my family. One of my siblings is also an ex-Muslim. My older sister is a few years older than me, and she left Islam for atheism a few years before I left Islam for Christianity. From what I understood, she left Islam because of the problem of suffering and found that Islam is misogynistic. That’s all I know about what caused her apostasy. I don’t really talk to her that much, because I don’t have a healthy relationship with her to begin with, and even our apostasy from Islam did little to fix that.
I left Islam in August 2017, but I began to subconsciously suspect my sister’s apostasy months before I became an apostate myself. I began to suspect her apostasy more consciously after I left Islam because so many things gave it away. She was not practicing Islam and barely even pretended to be a practicing Muslim, whereas I at least kept up the facade of being a practicing Muslim for a few years. But what really gave it away was that when I had conversations with her, she would sometimes make statements that sounded anti-religious. She had a lot of contempt for organized religion and could barely conceal it in conversations with me.
So what happened was that in April 2018, we were in the middle of a conversation and one thing led to another. At one point, she asked me point blank if I’m still Muslim. I said no and she immediately revealed that she was also no longer Muslim. I was almost surprised by this. She initially congratulated me for leaving Islam like she did, but the conversation went south when I told her that I left Islam for Christianity. In response, she condescendingly rebuked me for leaving one religion for another, saying that I made a stupid decision and expressed contempt at my decision. She then went on a rant about how much she hates religion, saying that religion gives no rights to women and homosexuals. She also brought up the problem with suffering as some kind of argument against the existence of an all-loving, all-powerful God. She also then expressed disgust at the idea of God wanting his creation to worship him. She also brought up other issues, but I can’t remember what they were.
I had no real answers to the issues that she brought up because I hadn’t really researched them at the time, but to be fair, she didn’t give me a chance to respond to her because when I tried to respond, she kept cutting me off and stubbornly refused to be swayed.
What particularly frustrated me was her arrogant mockery of my decision to become a Christian. I wasn’t expecting her to accept my decision and congratulate me on it, but she didn’t even have the decency to tolerate my decision by deciding to “live and let live,” as I’ve heard many atheists say. I don’t expect acceptance for who I am, but I do expect tolerance, or at least once expected tolerance. Modern Britain has become increasingly anti-Christian, so my expectations of tolerance have dwindled over the years.
I don’t accept her decision to become an atheist, but I didn’t poison the well by arrogantly mocking it like she did. I tolerated her decision and kept a lid on my disagreement with her atheism. But what frustrated me the most was that I confided with her about a secret. A secret that I was hoping would improve our strained relationship, and what did she do? She just threw it in my face and destroyed an opportunity for us to become closer. Ever since then, I have never really talked to her about my faith. She doesn’t even know about my story, so her opinion is worthless anyway. But what made me become increasingly disinterested in talking to her about my faith was that in another conversation that we had not too long later, she talked about how she would raise her kids if she were to ever have kids. What I recall quite vividly was that she said that if she were to have kids, she would give them the option of either being Muslim or being non-religious (agnostic/atheist), and those were the only two acceptable options. What’s worse was that she clarified her statement by saying that if she had a child who decided to become a Christian, she would disown this child.
When I first heard all of that, I said nothing, but I immediately lost my hopes of our relationship being repaired. I was instantly disgusted by her hateful, Christophobic rhetoric, and I still feel disgusted by her views. She exposed herself as an anti-Christian fascist because she would give her hypothetical kids the freedom to be a Muslim or atheist/agnostic, but not the freedom to be a Christian. Why? Why be so selective about freedom of religion? I have heard atheists say freedom of religion includes freedom from religion, which includes the freedom to desecrate and blaspheme against religious symbols. My sister seems to believe in freedom from religion, but she clearly doesn’t believe in freedom of religion for anything other than Islam.
The worst thing about this is that she believes in this while being a closet atheist. She knows what it’s like to have to hide one’s religious beliefs to avoid being kicked out and disowned by her parents. She knows the struggle about being in the closet about one’s deeply held beliefs. She knows how harmful it is to a person’s mental well being to be forced to pretend to be someone to avoid being ostracized by one’s family and community. Not to mention the fact that she’s also a “progressive” liberal who believes in liberal values, but does not hesitate to abandon her liberal values at the mere thought of her hypothetical kids becoming Christians.
If she were a Muslim and only gave her hypothetical kids the option of being Muslim, that’s one thing, but it’s another thing for a closet ex-Muslim atheist to shamelessly brag about how she would disown her kids for converting to Christianity if she ever had a kid who did that. She’s an atheist and a liberal, but still selectively retains at least some Islamic baggage about freedom of religion. One would expect that maybe she’d know better and would shed all that baggage altogether, but she clearly hasn’t. This is a problem that I’ve noticed in quite a few ex-Muslims. They haven’t accepted Christianity because they’ve internalized Islamic and leftist notions about Christianity and its supposed errors.
We had another conversation about my conversion to Christianity later on in that year. In December 2018, me and my sister were alone in our new house at the time and out of the blue, she randomly asked me if I was actually a Christian. I affirmed that I still was. In response, she once again said that my decision was stupid that I would regret in a few years. I told her to mind her own business and that I didn’t judge her for becoming an atheist. Her response to this was atrocious. She basically said, “Well, my decision is not stupid, but yours is, therefore it’s OK for me to scoff at a decision that you made and unacceptable for you to respond in kind.”
That’s basically the gist of what she said. I ignored her because she spewed out atrocious nonsense and was begging the question. She doesn’t even know why and how I became a Christian, but already has the predetermined conclusion that I made a stupid decision, but what else should I expect from an anti-Christian fascist?
It’s been about five years since we last had that conversation about my conversion to Christianity. It’s also been six years since I became a Christian and I’m still a Christian. I don’t regret my decision at all and still consider it to be the best decision I have ever made, which shows how little she understands me. I can’t tell if she still remembers that I’m a Christian. She has never asked since then.
I don’t know what else to say, so I’ll just end it here to avoid depressing the readers any further.
Tatanka says
I’m glad you left that Satanic cult Islam.
Thanks for telling your story and i hope you can deal with the aftermath.
Respect.
Gourdhead says
Me as well. I just hope your deranged cult doesn’t kill you for coming to your senses.
FYI says
It is always impressive when people leave islam.Some might go on and become Christian and some might want to be atheists/free thinkers which is fair enough.
So I recommend two well known Apostates..
Hatun Tash{if you define yourself as a christian, that would be an excellent example}
Apostate Prophet {If you define yourself as an atheist,that would be a good reasonable type to be}
You need to think for yourself.
Consider that the Golden Rule cannot exist in islam due to koran 98:6 classifying non-muslims as ‘the Worst of created beings”
The Golden Rule is the beginning of a lot of Wisdom.
Egor says
I would also throw in, Abdullah. I cannot think of his last name.
somehistory says
This is sad….but also not. It is because your sister is the foolish one in this. and not because you are clinging to Christ and your faith, which leads to a “large reward.”
Your sister may claim to be atheist, but this “”therefore it’s OK for me to scoff at a decision that you made and unacceptable for you to respond in kind.”’ shows she still has the mozlum mindset.
They whine when someone says something they don’t like, but freely make horrible claims about Christians and Jews and expect this to be allowed as ‘freedom of speech”…even when they call for killing.
I believe your sister is still mozlum and that’s why she says she would raise any children to be and why she insults you and your faith in Jesus Christ.
I also believe that if you kept conversing with her, she would turn you in to your father.
pfwag says
From a (dysfunctional) family perspective, good thing you didn’t leave Islam for Judaism…
Gob bless you in your path forward and give you insight and courage..
mgoldberg says
It’s instructive that the religion that spread the entire notion of the Golden Rule to the whole world is so regarded as the height of apostasy…. but they would go after his neck no matter what he chose.
Daniel Bielak says
Congratulations on leaving Islam. May you be well and happy.
I’m Theravada Buddhist. I used to be politically liberal, but now I’m politically conservative. I’m ethnically Jewish.
Daniel Bielak says
I appreciate your courage and decency.
May you be safe and at peace.
James Lincoln says
What a courageous and inspiring story.
I wish you all the best in your Christian life.
God bless.
tim gallagher says
Good on you for leaving islam. If only every Muslim would walk out on the vile religious ideology. I hope you have a fulfilling life and can stay safe. This failure by Muslims to let people follow their conscience and leave islam without retribution shows what a backward, primitive and barbaric type of religious ideology islam is. Here in Australia, there is a political commentator named Rita Panahi, whose work I enjoy. She was a Muslim, born in the USA, as a child went to Iran with her parents, left islam and is now an atheist. She says she hated the restrictions of islam. She showed photos of her as a girl of around eight, in Iran, wearing the Muslim head gear. I’ve never heard her mention trouble with her parents. Maybe they were just mellow types of people, not serious Muslims. She is a fearless type of character, very admirable.
Phillip says
It’s not a sad story eternally for you my friend, you have now found truth and salvation, love and light, compassion and gentleness, meekness and humbleness, Christ-like. Disregard her words abd actions but continually pray for her….God has used such people and, for sure much worse to bring others to Him through His Son Jesus ( i.e. Saul to Paul). Welcome to Love, my friend.
Jayell1 says
Quote:-
‘We had another conversation about my conversion to Christianity later on in that year………. I affirmed that I still was (a Christian) In response, she once again said that my decision was stupid that I would regret in a few years. I told her to mind her own business and that I didn’t judge her for becoming an atheist. Her response to this was atrocious. She basically said, “Well, my decision is not stupid, but yours is, therefore it’s OK for me to scoff at a decision that you made and unacceptable for you to respond in kind.”
It looks like the sister is still basically a muslim.
Hank says
Congratulations on leaving the cult of Islam and all its contradictions and fabricated stories. Most Muslims don’t even know what is written in their Quran. If they did they would flee.
You are wiser than those foolish elites that import Islam and its doctrines, together with millions of its followers, into non-Islamic nations and society with no accountability to its citizens, or even taking the time to study the cult before making decisions to allow (and continue allowing) this 5th column in.
“And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.” Matthew 19:29
Scotsman48 says
You can chose your friends but you cant chose your family.
Im neither a muslim nor a Christian however I think if I was in your situation I would move away from the entire family, move to another country if possible, get residence there and then change your name therefore having a Passport in a new name as you are a new person and then get on with your life as YOU wish to live it as life is not a dress rehearsal.
Surround yourself with loving people and not hateful people and its amazing how well you feel inside.
Harris Kange R.S. says
Harrowing experience.
Dave Miller says
Your story is yours to cherish. Pray for your sister and all of your natural family, that they may be enlightened by the God who is more interested in the long game than short term comfort. Welcome to your forever family. Total blessing upon you, brother.
Nola says
I will remember you in my prayers. May the Lord Jesus bless you and keep you safe.
Hoi Polloi says
The US is becoming more hostile to Christianity and could use more immigrants who understand Islam as it actually is; I fear you’re in danger from your (seemingly still muslim) sister. An actual atheist should be an individual confident in his own way. My own experience with atheists, and it’s only my own (it’s easy to unintentionally offend some here who are quality individuals) is that I tend to classify those non-angry atheists as leaning more toward agnostic than atheist, since they’re rational and able to allow others freedom to choose, as well as being able to differentiate between more sound beliefs and practices. Some of my best advisers were of this brand.
You’ve chosen well and are now hanging on for dear life with the rest of us watching these leftists who foolishly believe they’ll come out of their Devil’s bargain intact. You’ve chosen love and this dark world isn’t always happy about that. God Bless.